How Do I Talk to My Child About Sex, Drugs, Abuse, and Other Tough Topics?

This blog was originally posted on crosswindsyouth.org

These topics are some of the most difficult topics of life to talk about with our children.  There are many factors that contribute to this difficulty.  First, the topics are issues that we as parents do not even want our children to know about let alone talk with them about it.  In addition, some parents feel that talking about them will introduce the idea to their child.  Know that this is just not the case.  Chances are your preteen or teenager has already been exposed to or at least heard other peers talk about these issues.  In addition, not talking about them just causes addition curiosity for something that they heard about, but do not understand.  It is better for them to have the facts from a reliable source, such as yourself, than for them to seek understanding from unreliable sources or experimentation. 

Secondly, some of these topics are embarrassing.  You may be the exception, but chances are when you think back to “the talk” with your parent(s), it was awkward at best.  Do you with that you had a sensitive caring parent that would and did talk openly with you about the most difficult issues?  Someone that you could ask anything and know that they would be open and honest with you without the feelings of awkwardness.  Every child wants a relationship like this and though these talks will probably always have an element of awkwardness to them, these talks can create a closeness and openness between a child and their parent.  The finally reason why these talks are so difficult for some parents is that parents love their children and want what is best for them.  They have a life for their child in their mind and it is often the perfect life void of all difficulty and full of successes.  However, the flip side of this desire for a great life for their child is that at times it causes the parent to deny any difficulties or the possibilities of difficulties.  They protect this idea of the perfect life for their child by denying that anything like the issues of sex, drugs, or abuse could happen to their child.  They don’t want to know if their child is involved because it would break the façade of the parent’s dream life for their child.  If a child is truly struggling in one of these areas, ignoring it will only makes matters worse.  The longer the child participates in this sinful behavior the larger the potential consequences can be. 

One final thought.  The absolute key in talking with your child about these difficult topics is that you have a relationship of openness, transparency, and truthfulness to begin with.  Taking the time to talk regularly with your child, without condemnation or judgmental attitude, but rather listening and gentling guiding will establish a relationship that will make the discussion of these topics much easier.  Remember Deut. 6:4-9 states that we need to be teaching about God and how to love him well to our children.  We do this by talking about life with our children at a real and deep level in order to help them to navigate through a difficult and sinful work and helping them strive for a life that is glorifying and honoring to God.

Rick Deboest  has worked with troubled youth for over ten years. He currently holds a Masters degree in Counseling and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He  oversees the counseling and case management services for all Lifeline Youth & Family Services residential programs.

How Do I Support My Children as I Go Through a Divorce?

Every child will react to the stress and pain of divorce differently. But no matter what their response, it is important to communicate to the child that they are not responsible for the separation or divorce. Always refer to your former spouse in a positive way and affirm to the child that both parents love them and want to spend time with them.

Be aware that a child’s behavior is often their form of communication. Just as you may be grieving the loss of relationship, your child is also experiencing loss of their family members, routine, school, friends, etc. You may notice that your child is disruptive, sad, angry, isolating, or disrespectful. If your child gets stuck in the grief process, they may benefit from a support group or professional counseling.

Do not discuss anything about the partner’s behavior or details of the separation. This can often put the child in an adult role, where they feel the need to repair the family. Seek support from friends, adult family members, counseling professionals, or church leaders, but do not seek it from your children. Even if they seem to want you to confide in them about your former spouse, in the end this will produce more confusion and pain. 

By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services & Home Based Services at Lifeline Youth & Family Services. Ruth holds a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree from Wayne State University, with a focus in mental health and addictions, and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Licensed Clinical Addictions Counselor (LCAC).

If your divorce has already happened, take a look at this Focus on the Family article providing practical and helpful list of tips to begin the healing process.

The article closes with this encouraging reminder: "Remember, God is sufficient to heal and restore hope to every heart — even your child's. Your job is to provide a safe, stable and godly home. The rest is up to Him."

How Can I Help My Child When They are Struggling in School?

My child is struggling in school and he doesn’t seem to care! 

I believe this is a common issue that many parents will face and many parents do not know how to help.  My experiences as an educator for 10+ years, being married to an educator for 12 years, and being a father of three have helped me understand some reasons for school failures. 

Many students have legitimate reasons for struggling in school. Some reasons are attention problems, learning disabilities, emotional issues, social problems, and embarrassment. Many of these should be handled by professionals within the school (attention deficits and learning disabilities), but others can be addressed through communication and strategic relationships.

Because of normal adolescent behaviors, students are often interested in things other than schoolwork.  As teenager’s social life increases and choices of positive friends decreases, the academic achievements can often suffer.  This is not because your child is getting dumber, but because they are getting less interested in school.  Often times parents are clueless to this decrease in academics because they don’t ask the right questions or seek out additional information from the school.  As a parent, it is our responsibility to ask the right questions to our children and to the school.

Many times, students start to care more about friends than they do about homework, causing them to fall behind in class.  Once a student falls behind they often are too embarrassed to ask for help and therefore fall further behind.  To save the embarrassment of feeling dumb, they sometimes put up the front that “school is stupid” or “I don’t need school”.  This is not because students really believe this; it is because this is easier than facing the battle of getting caught up in class.

What to do?

Here are a few of the techniques I have found to be successful.

• Find an older peer that is positively engaged in school to mentor your son or daughter.  Peer influence is very powerful, take advantage of that.

• Find a teacher that will invest in your child in school and out of school.  Once kids realize that teachers care, their performance will improve.

• Find a teacher you can talk to.  Teachers spend time with your kids and often have insights that you won’t about what is really going on in your child’s life.

• Be bold in stressing to your child how important school is.  An education opens up opportunities for a lifetime.

• Be bold in asking questions of the school.  Your child is worth fighting for!

Proverbs 4:13: Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life. 

By Kevin Hedrick, Vice President of Residential Services

How Do I React If My Child Has No Friends?

Parents who see their kids friendless often feel saddened by the loneliness they feel their child is experiencing. While this is sometimes the experience with kids who struggle socially, it is not universal with friendless children. There are kids who simply see the world from an isolated perspective, and though they say they don’t need friends they may want them. Real friends are vital we all need them and we are designed for a connection with others. Some children struggle to make friends because of their poor social skills others because of developmental delays in either processing or emotional regulation. So what can a parent do to encourage their child who doesn’t seem to make friends?

One of the most important jobs of parents is to support their children. This doesn’t mean coddle them or do things for them, what it does mean is provide a means to help them in the learning process. This may mean physically, as in transporting them from place to place. It may be emotionally, in helping them process interactions with others, or it may be simply to support them spiritually through an active prayer life for your child. When a child’s social skills are not up to the maturity level of their chronological age you can encourage your child by working with them in some simple ways. Help them read facial expression and verbal tones--this is an often assumed skill that children don’t always have. Games are a good way to help your child learn these skills, such as guessing games to help them learn what different facial expressions mean. Next, help your child identify how their actions might affect others. This is helping them with the skill of empathy this is the ability to change your perspective to how another person is feeling. Also help them understand the importance of impulse control. This can be productive when a situation is reviewed in advance to help the child think through the importance of controlling their desires. In social situations this will help the child interact in more positive and controlled ways with their peers.

It will take time and patience to help your child work through something like this. Encouraging your child in activities and opportunities in which they can make connections that lead to friendships is important. Helping them feel comfortable at church can also be a powerful tool in helping your child’s social growth. Church can be a positive and natural way for a child to interact with his/her peers and find the types of relationships that Proverb 18:24 talks about. Part of the verse reads“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” As parents, we are called to pray and lift up our children to The Lord, asking that He may be their most powerful and important friend and allowing all other relationships be a reflection of this vital union.

By Grant Anderson, M.A.

Why Care About My Teen's Love Language?

It is common knowledge that I am probably the worst Spanish student that the world has ever known.  I find it ironic that I now run an organization that is in a Spanish speaking country.  I’m sure that my Spanish speaking employees love listening to my broken Spanish and especially like my hand signals and gestures that I use to get my point across.  

Not unlike my visits to the Dominican Republic I often think that my family speaks a different language and in fact they do.  Not only do they speak a different language I get the very same blank stares that I receive as I speak to my Spanish speaking staff.

In the book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about the fact that each of us has a different love languages:  “physical touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, time and attention, and gift giving.  He describes the fact that each of us has one of these love languages and the importance of knowing our families love language and the importance of knowing our own love language.

How do you know which love language you have?  Simply put, it is the one that you find yourself giving to others.  

For example my wife loves to clean the garage for me (Acts of Service) and I love to tell my wife how beautiful she is (Words of encouragement).  She is telling me that she loves me by cleaning the garage when all I want is to tell her that I am a great provider, and I am telling her that I love her by paying her a compliment when all she wants me to do is clean the garage.  

Unfortunately, what results from this misunderstanding is that I simply walk through the garage not noticing or appreciating all of her hard work or she will simply rebuff my compliment by telling me she hasn’t washed her hair in two days.  We are each trying to tell the other one that we love them but we are doing it in a way that neither of us understands or appreciates.  This situation over time will result in bitterness and confusion which can and will an adverse affect on our marriage.

This same lack of understanding can take a toll on our children as well.   For instance if your daughter’s love language is physical touch and you and your spouse never fill that need she will find a way to fill that void in a way that is harmful to her. 

We should care to know each of our families love languages so that they will know that they are truly loved and cared for.  If not we risk seeing blanks stares from those we love the most.

Learn your own love language and help your teen discover theirs by taking the Love Language Profile. 


By Mark Terrell, CEO

Why are Girls Mean to Each Other by Debra Beck

As a new school year begins your teen daughter may come home with some stories of other girls being pretty mean. Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck talks about some tips to give your teen or preteen daughter who may be facing unhealthy friendships.

Are Girls Just Being Mean or is it a Sign of Bullying? 

Have you notice the difference between how girls treat each other as an opposed to how boys treat each other?  Girl’s insecurities prevent them from having really close relationships with most girls.  When I talk to teenage girl’s it seems to be the one topic that causes girl’s the most anxiety.  It comes up time and time again how they have to adjust their personality, walk on egg shells, not voice their feelings, so they don’t get shunned and have vicious rumors spread about them from other girl’s.

I remember teenage girl’s being snotty, but not vicious.

One question that came up in one of my girl’s circle was “ I have this sort-of friend, that is my friend one week and then the she is someone else’s best friend the next week. She really doesn’t treat me well, but if I tell her why I don’t want to be her friend, she will shun me and spread vicious rumors that aren’t true and ruin my reputation. How do I walk away from unhealthy relationships without those consequences?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself from unhealthy friendships:

1. Be yourself, set good boundaries around the way your friends treat you. If you are hanging around with mean girls, ask yourself why?  It could be that your self-esteem needs some attention.
2. Start saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.  It automatically makes you feel better about who you are. 
3. Eliminating those girls, it leaves room for better friends to come in.  Don’t be afraid to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she is treating you. If her response is something to the effect of “what ever, get over it” ask yourself if you want a friend that doesn’t care about your feeling…Probably not!
4. The more you take care of yourself, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and start making better decisions for yourself, and you will start attracting friends that treat you better. 
5. And last but not least, make sure you’re not a mean girl.  If you are treating other girls poorly, ask yourself, “If I was in her shoes would I like being treated that way.”  If not, see how you can change your actions to be a better friend.

We are a sisterhood and girls need to start treating each other with kindness. Look at how you treat other girls. Are you shunning any girls? Are you spreading rumors about other girls? Are you just joining in when others talk badly about other people? That’s just as bad, by the way! Start looking at your behavior around how you treat others. If you treat others poorly, it’s going to be tough to bring in friends that treat you well.

For the next few weeks start looking at your current relationships, and make some healthy choices in the friend department.  Ask yourself a question regarding each friend. Is this a friendship that is making me feel good, and do I deserve more. Also ask yourself am I the type of friend that I would want to have?  Be really honest with yourself.  Be the friend you want as a friend.

Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author.  She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the “Empowered Teens and Parents” newsletter, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence.  Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem.  Her award-winning book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.

Five Myths About "The Sex Talk": Talking with Your Teen About Sex

“The sex talk” from parents usually gets a pretty negative wrap in mainstream media and television.  Scenes of the awkward mom or dad trying to approach the topic with their savvy teen are always good for a few cheap laughs. But whether or not this depiction is the norm, it almost certainly is not the way to create a healthy and Biblically based dialogue about sex with your child or teen.  Here are a few stereotypes/myths about “the talk” we’d like to challenge, in an effort to help you raise a teen with a healthy and Christ-centered view on sexuality.

Myth 1: At some point in your child’s life, you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about sex. Then you will have done your duty and the job is over.

The idea that at a certain age, it is your job as a parent to sit down and have a long talk about “the birds and the bees” with your child is just plain silly. There is no way you can share everything your child needs to know to have a healthy view on sexuality in an hour, nor would it be beneficial do so once and check it off your list. Instead, establish an ongoing dialogue about sex, even if it seems awkward at first. Whether it’s animals mating on the Discovery Channel, a vulgar movie scene they saw at a friend’s house, or a pregnant teen in your community, take these chances to ask your child what they already know about sex, what their views are, and then share your own views. 

Myth 2: When talking about sex, use vague and general terms so as not to “corrupt” your child.

Have you seen the 2013 KIA Superbowl commercial? It’s cute, clever, and accomplishes its goal of promoting KIA cars, but it also depicts the common myth that parents should be vague or even lie to their kids about the details of sex. In the end, this will cause more confusion than good. Be explicit and use real anatomical terms. Obviously the level of detail should vary with your child’s age, but telling your child they should avoid “inappropriate behavior” isn’t going to help your teen when they are faced with a real sexual situation and have to make a decision.  

Myth 3: Talk about abstinence as the only available method of birth control, mentioning others will just give them ideas.

Chances are pretty good by the time your child reaches their teen years, they will have heard of condoms, the pill, and more, and may even have friends using them. This is a tricky topic to approach, and absolutely should not be presented as an acceptable alternative to abstinence.  However, having an informed and honest conversation with your teen about methods that others are using shows them:

1. That you are aware that this has become the cultural norm and you are asking them to be different
2. Allows you to dispel false assumptions they may have heard from others. For example: “John told you there’s no way he can get his girlfriend pregnant because he used a condom? Did you know according to the CDC condoms have an average failure rate of 18%?”

Myth 4:  Focus mostly on the negatives of having sex outside of marriage—you want your teen to associate sex with sin.

Many Christian parents make the mistake of hammering home the negative aspects of sex outside of marriage so hard that their children mistakenly associate all sex with sin. Don’t forget to remind them that God designed sex, but there are good reasons He designed it for marriage only. Have your teen read through Song of Songs and then ask you any questions they might have.

Myth 5: If your child is already well into their teen years, it’s too late to talk to them about sex, they’ve already heard it all!

Whether your child is 10 or 18 years old, it is never too late to begin a healthy dialogue about sex! Even if your teen has already made mistakes, remind them that our God is a God who loves grace, second chances, and fresh starts. 

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

Reacting to Your Teen & Therapeutic Crisis Intervention

If you are the parent of a teen, chances are pretty good that you will be gifted with the opportunity to confront disrespect or anger from your child. The natural response is to react with anger, frustration, yelling, or hurtful words. This is our tendency as human beings, and can feel like an effective defense mechanism.

But however "good" it may feel in the moment, reacting out of emotion will not only escalate the situation, but will also cause you to miss a crucial moment to teach your teen. When your teen is experiencing intense emotions, they may be physically unable to think clearly; this means that any lessons you attempt to teach them in the moment will be lost.  Your goal in an explosive situation of disrespect should be to de-escalate the emotion, giving you the opportunity to have a rational conversation with your teen. But that's easier said than done, right?

This is where a method called Therapeutic Crisis Intervention comes in. Therapeutic Crisis Intervention was developed by Cornell University, and focuses on de-escalating an explosive emotional situation. Many of our staff at Caribbean Mountain Academy have received formal training on Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. As a parent, try using the following first step of this method to control your own reaction. Before reacting, ask yourself these four questions:

1. What am I feeling?
2. What does my child feel, need, or want?
3. How is the environment affecting my child?
4. How do I best respond? 

Giving yourself even two minutes to consider these questions will allow you to respond in love, rather than in anger. After that, you can use an appropriate response from the Therapeutic Crisis Intervention method, such as gently helping them through a frustrating task, giving them space, or redirecting their attention to something else. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Five Tips for Talking with Your Teen

Does it ever seem like you and your teen are talking different languages or not talking at all? You may find these tips helpful in bridging the communication gap.

1. Chat with your child. If communicating has been lacking in your relationship, chatting with your child is a good way to start again.  Making small talk, without being critical, creates a non-threatening environment for kids to express themselves.

2. Remember that a teen’s behavior is sometimes their language.  However, it’s best to ask, rather than assume, what they are trying to say non-verbally.

3. Eating is a social activity that can create a positive environment and time to talk your child about their day.  Establish this habit early in your family.

4. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child and make it a special time alone with each parent.  Since each child-parent relationship is unique, it a great opportunity to grow relationships.

5. Be sure to engage in equal sharing time versus probing into your teen’s thoughts and feelings.  Sharing builds intimacy and trust.  

      What methods have worked for you in communicating with your teen? 

      By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

• Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

•  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

•  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

• Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

• Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

• Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

• Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)

How Can I Be a Spiritual Leader to My Teen?

Who is the primary spiritual leader of your teen? Who do they look to as a role model? Youth pastors, mentors, and small group leaders are certainly important for a teen to look to for advice, but the Bible is very clear that spiritual leadership should fall primarily on the shoulders of the parent.

Easy, right? Not quite. The concept of "spiritual leadership" can feel like a hard one to grasp. How often should I pray with my family? What parts of the Bible should I encourage them to read? Should I require my kids to be involved in their youth group? What about mission trips? While these are good questions to consider and pray about, spiritual leadership can't be achieved through any standard formula. It's a lifestyle – a way of talking, thinking and behaving.  

Dave Long, our Vice President of Operations, said it this way, "Quite simply, leadership is modeling what you expect of others.  If you’re a father who values hard work, you’re willing to mow the yard, clean up after dinner, and maintain employment.  If you’re a mother who values communication, you’re willing to listen, engage in conversation, and share information in a mature manner. And if parents act to the contrary, expect contrary results from your children."

When it comes to teens, this is especially true. If you want to encourage your teen to commit time daily to devotions, make it a point to spend 20 minutes in the morning or evening, or whenever your teen is around, reading your Bible in the living room.  If you want them to stop watching inappropriate movies, don't let them see you watching something you shouldn't...even if it seems "harmless" for an adult.

We're all sinful people, so naturally leading by example is no easy task. But even if you don't see results right away, things your teen sees and hears you do consistently will strongly shape the way they view faith. It's a big responsibility, but definitely one worth working at.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Helping Your Teen Find Joy in Service

Serving others can come in many different shapes and sizes – it could be building a house for someone in a third world country, helping out at your local homeless shelter, listening to a friend in need, or hosting a "messy kickball" game for local children in the Dominican Republic.

You might be thinking..."Huh?? How is playing a game of kickball and sliding around in the mud considered service?" Well, here's the thing....we have found that service isn't necessarily about what you're doing, but how and why you're doing it. At Caribbean Mountain Academy, we want to teach teens how to find true joy in serving others.  We want them to discover that making others happy brings much more fulfillment than making yourself happy. 

And as our students laughed and played with these Dominican kids, they began to learn these lessons...and also learned that service can be fun! 

But you don't have to be in the Dominican Republic to help your teen learn how to find joy in service. Physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are all around us, wherever we are. Is there a local food pantry your family could spend time volunteering at? Or what about hosting your own game day for neighborhood children? The opportunities are endless. 

We know that for some parents, getting your teen to cooperate with a family service project may seem like a nearly impossible task. But here's something you can try: use the service project as a way for a teen to "earn back" privileges they may have lost. At Caribbean Mountain Academy, we have found that re-enforcing positive behavior often is much more effective than punishing negative. So if your teen was grounded for staying out to late, or lost their phone for disobeying, give them the opportunity to earn it back by participating (with a GOOD attitude) in a pre-determined service project. 

Not only will you be teaching that positive behavior earns privileges and trust, but you will also have begun to show your teen how to find joy in service.

See more pictures of the "messy kickball" game on our Facebook page

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Parenting: Don't Give Up on Discipline

Children learn very early if a parent is serious about following through with discipline. If your five-year-old learns they can get you to give up on discipline by throwing a temper tantrum, there's a good chance that is probably not going to stop when they're 16. But we know discipline is hard, and sometimes it may seem easier just to give in. In a recent blog on discipline, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell described it by saying, "Parenting and disciplining is not for the faint-hearted, and must be done with the same vigor with which you approach your career. Early efforts will pay off in the future, but a lack of discipline will cost you in the end."

So how do you stay strong and discipline your child in a healthy, loving (but firm) way? Although there's no magic formula to being a perfect disciplinarian, here are a few methods that may help you along the way:

• Follow through on discipline, even when it hurts your fun.

• Both parents must be on the same page or the child will divide and conquer you.

• Never make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on.

• Don’t make every battle a world war.  Make it your goal to win the war, not just the battle.

• Expect first time obedience

• Never argue about a child’s discipline in front of the child.  Excuse yourself to a private place and come out united. 

• Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. If you lose your temper and say or do things that you shouldn't, apologize to your child and explain why what you did was wrong. 

Mistakes will happen. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child. But the most important thing is to never stop working to improve, and to show your child that you will never give up.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Teaching Your Teen Daughter Modesty

We bet that almost ALL parents of teen daughters can relate to this topic. Fighting the modesty battle is getting harder and harder, as the world keeps telling your daughter to show off more and more. But the battle is definitely worth it. Here's 5 quick tips we posted on our website last week that we hope will help you keep up the fight.

1. Set specific family modesty standards. . If all your daughter knows is that you want her to “dress modestly,” it’s easy for lines to be blurred or for her to feel like it will be impossible for her to live up to your modesty standards, and she may subsequently give up. Spend some time talking with your spouse about modesty standards you both agree on and then communicate them clearly to your daughter.

2. Tell your daughter she is beautiful.  Although stressing inward beauty over outward should be the priority, complimenting your daughter on a specific physical characteristic such as her eyes, hair, or even a specific (modest) outfit can really boost her self-esteem and self-image during an insecure time.

3. Model modesty in your own wardrobe. This may seem like a “well duh” point, but it could be harder than it sounds. As an adult woman, it can be easier to bend the modesty rules for ourselves .  But if your 13-year-old sees you walking out the door for date night—even if it’s with your husband— in a dress that breaks the modesty rules you’ve set for her, you lose credibility and may have a harder time winning the next modesty battle with her.

4. Know and explain your motives for modesty. What will you say when your daughter asks you why modesty matters? There are many different answers you can give, but here’s a few to consider. First and foremost, God calls us to modesty and purity. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 says, “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” Now obviously this isn’t God’s way of telling us that we need to stick to ponytails and silver jewelry, but it is pretty clear about the importance of modesty in our role as Christian women. Secondly, how a girl dresses will determine the kind of guys she attracts. Your daughter may think she wants ANY kind of attention, but does she really want it from the guy looking for as much as he can get, as fast as he can get it, from any girl at all? To those kind of guys, it doesn’t matter who a girl is, or even how beautiful she is, as long as he can use her for what he wants.

5. Pray for your daughter daily. If earthly parents want purity for their daughter, how much more does our Father in Heaven want it for ALL of his daughters? So give your daughter all the prayer cover you can—God’s in your corner when it comes to modesty!

Read the full article on crosswindsyouth.org

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Helping Teens Fight Peer Pressure

A few weeks ago Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell  shared some helpful tips on our website about how to fight peer pressure with your child. During your child's teenage years, the people they surround themselves with are going to be some of the most powerful influences on their life, and it's important to be prepared for the fact that they may not always be the best influences!

If you feel that your teen is slipping into some bad relationships, or bad behaviors, take a look at the advice Mark gives on how to help steer them back on the right track.

Build or rebuild your relationship with your child:

o   Have a technology free vacation with your spouse and children
o   Start a hobby that you can do together:  painting, hiking, exercising, etc.
o   Eat dinner together
o   Never accept one word answers
o   Go on a family mission trip
o   Create new memories

Find a way to introduce new friends to the equation:

o   Go to church together
o   Introduce them to the youth pastor
o   Encourage them to participate in a new sport
o   Start a bible study together with them and their friends

Find a way to remove them physically from the influence:

o   Move to a new community
o   Enroll them in a new school
o   Have them attend a church camp

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Caribbean Mountain Academy Teaches Teens to Value Others

Last week, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell blogged about how to teach your children the "preciousness of others." He begins with a personal story about visiting a concentration camp in Germany, and explains how he realized that an entire society had lost sight of the ability to value other human beings. Although this is an extreme example, it shows how careful we must all be to never forget the immense value of each and every human life. Even if we're not purposely hurting others, it's easy to become so wrapped up in our own schedules and problems that we forget to serve and care for others around us.

Mark and his son Hunter visit with Maria, a 

local Dominican woman, during a missions trip 

to Caribbean Mountain Academy

Mark goes on in his blog to explain that this concept of valuing others played a major role in the program development of Caribbean Mountain Academy. Mark writes that when his own children had the opportunity "to spend time serving, rather than being served, in a third world country [...] each one of them returned back with a new appreciation of what they have and the opportunities they have before them."

At Caribbean Mountain Academy, this concept gets put into action as students serve those in the local Dominican community around them. Through projects such as building houses, planning a VBS for local children, or renovating an old basketball court, students slowly begin to change their perspective and the way they think of others. They begin appreciate the satisfaction that comes from serving others—rather than serving themselves—and also the value of each person, no matter what country or culture they are from.

Mark writes that  "We wanted [Caribbean Mountain Academy] to be a place where young people would have the opportunity to learn to appreciate what they have, but more importantly have an opportunity to learn to appreciate the preciousness of others." And by the grace of God, this is exactly what it has become!

But even if your teen is not struggling with serious issues, teaching them the "preciousness of others" is still an important lesson. Taking time to serve others as a family—whether it's in another country or down the street—will help your children learn to look outside of their own world and value the preciousness of each human life.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy