Thursday, September 19, 2013

How Do I Know if My Child or Family Needs Counseling?

The decision to seek counseling can be a confusing  and difficult one.  Maybe it’s our preconceived ideas about what “counseling” is.  Or maybe we’re afraid of what getting help may say about us or our parenting abilities.  Let’s clear the air on that, shall we?

What kind of families receive counseling?  Rich families.  Poor families.  Middle-income families.  Christian families. Jewish families.  Atheistic families.  Families with straight-A kids in basketball.  Families with kids who struggle to make C’s.  Families with two parents.  Families with one parent.  Families with stay-at-home moms.  Families in California.  Families in Virginia.  Families in Indiana.  Families in your neighborhood.

Whether people talk about it or not, they’re getting help.  And it doesn’t mean they’re not “normal.”  In fact, when you consider that about 1 in 5 has sought counseling at some time or another, it seems really normal!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the question is how to know if your child or family needs counseling.  Here are a few things to think through:

  1. How have the solutions you’ve tried been working?  Are things staying the same or getting worse?  It may be time to talk to a therapist who’s worked with families who have similar issues and find out what’s worked for them.
  2. Have you had people suggest counseling for your family, like a trusted friend, pastor, or someone from your child’s school?  That may be confirmation of what you were already thinking or perhaps they’re seeing something you don’t or can’t.
  3. Are drugs or alcohol playing a role in your family’s struggles?  These issues can take hold fast and hard in a person’s life—and they’re bigger than we are.  Let someone who has experience in this area help your family sort out where you’re at and what kind of help is available.
  4. Is there any physical aggression or fears of physical aggression in your home or child’s life?  Are you concerned that someone in your home may hurt themselves?  This is bigger than you, too.  Ignoring it or thinking it will get better on its own can put you or your child in danger.  Please reach out for help today.

Some final thoughts … if you are still wrestling with the question of whether or not to seek counseling, the answer is probably, “yes.”  Something—the burden you’re carrying, the leading of the Holy Spirit, the needs of your child—has led you this far.  You owe it to yourself and to your family to at least make a phone call to learn what help and support are available. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Why Care About My Teen's Love Language?

It is common knowledge that I am probably the worst Spanish student that the world has ever known.  I find it ironic that I now run an organization that is in a Spanish speaking country.  I’m sure that my Spanish speaking employees love listening to my broken Spanish and especially like my hand signals and gestures that I use to get my point across.  

Not unlike my visits to the Dominican Republic I often think that my family speaks a different language and in fact they do.  Not only do they speak a different language I get the very same blank stares that I receive as I speak to my Spanish speaking staff.

In the book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about the fact that each of us has a different love languages:  “physical touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, time and attention, and gift giving.  He describes the fact that each of us has one of these love languages and the importance of knowing our families love language and the importance of knowing our own love language.

How do you know which love language you have?  Simply put, it is the one that you find yourself giving to others.  

For example my wife loves to clean the garage for me (Acts of Service) and I love to tell my wife how beautiful she is (Words of encouragement).  She is telling me that she loves me by cleaning the garage when all I want is to tell her that I am a great provider, and I am telling her that I love her by paying her a compliment when all she wants me to do is clean the garage.  

Unfortunately, what results from this misunderstanding is that I simply walk through the garage not noticing or appreciating all of her hard work or she will simply rebuff my compliment by telling me she hasn’t washed her hair in two days.  We are each trying to tell the other one that we love them but we are doing it in a way that neither of us understands or appreciates.  This situation over time will result in bitterness and confusion which can and will an adverse affect on our marriage.

This same lack of understanding can take a toll on our children as well.   For instance if your daughter’s love language is physical touch and you and your spouse never fill that need she will find a way to fill that void in a way that is harmful to her. 

We should care to know each of our families love languages so that they will know that they are truly loved and cared for.  If not we risk seeing blanks stares from those we love the most.

Learn your own love language and help your teen discover theirs by taking the Love Language Profile. 


By Mark Terrell, CEO