How Do I Support My Children as I Go Through a Divorce?

Every child will react to the stress and pain of divorce differently. But no matter what their response, it is important to communicate to the child that they are not responsible for the separation or divorce. Always refer to your former spouse in a positive way and affirm to the child that both parents love them and want to spend time with them.

Be aware that a child’s behavior is often their form of communication. Just as you may be grieving the loss of relationship, your child is also experiencing loss of their family members, routine, school, friends, etc. You may notice that your child is disruptive, sad, angry, isolating, or disrespectful. If your child gets stuck in the grief process, they may benefit from a support group or professional counseling.

Do not discuss anything about the partner’s behavior or details of the separation. This can often put the child in an adult role, where they feel the need to repair the family. Seek support from friends, adult family members, counseling professionals, or church leaders, but do not seek it from your children. Even if they seem to want you to confide in them about your former spouse, in the end this will produce more confusion and pain. 

By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services & Home Based Services at Lifeline Youth & Family Services. Ruth holds a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree from Wayne State University, with a focus in mental health and addictions, and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Licensed Clinical Addictions Counselor (LCAC).

If your divorce has already happened, take a look at this Focus on the Family article providing practical and helpful list of tips to begin the healing process.

The article closes with this encouraging reminder: "Remember, God is sufficient to heal and restore hope to every heart — even your child's. Your job is to provide a safe, stable and godly home. The rest is up to Him."

How Can I Help My Child When They are Struggling in School?

My child is struggling in school and he doesn’t seem to care! 

I believe this is a common issue that many parents will face and many parents do not know how to help.  My experiences as an educator for 10+ years, being married to an educator for 12 years, and being a father of three have helped me understand some reasons for school failures. 

Many students have legitimate reasons for struggling in school. Some reasons are attention problems, learning disabilities, emotional issues, social problems, and embarrassment. Many of these should be handled by professionals within the school (attention deficits and learning disabilities), but others can be addressed through communication and strategic relationships.

Because of normal adolescent behaviors, students are often interested in things other than schoolwork.  As teenager’s social life increases and choices of positive friends decreases, the academic achievements can often suffer.  This is not because your child is getting dumber, but because they are getting less interested in school.  Often times parents are clueless to this decrease in academics because they don’t ask the right questions or seek out additional information from the school.  As a parent, it is our responsibility to ask the right questions to our children and to the school.

Many times, students start to care more about friends than they do about homework, causing them to fall behind in class.  Once a student falls behind they often are too embarrassed to ask for help and therefore fall further behind.  To save the embarrassment of feeling dumb, they sometimes put up the front that “school is stupid” or “I don’t need school”.  This is not because students really believe this; it is because this is easier than facing the battle of getting caught up in class.

What to do?

Here are a few of the techniques I have found to be successful.

• Find an older peer that is positively engaged in school to mentor your son or daughter.  Peer influence is very powerful, take advantage of that.

• Find a teacher that will invest in your child in school and out of school.  Once kids realize that teachers care, their performance will improve.

• Find a teacher you can talk to.  Teachers spend time with your kids and often have insights that you won’t about what is really going on in your child’s life.

• Be bold in stressing to your child how important school is.  An education opens up opportunities for a lifetime.

• Be bold in asking questions of the school.  Your child is worth fighting for!

Proverbs 4:13: Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life. 

By Kevin Hedrick, Vice President of Residential Services

How Do I React If My Child Has No Friends?

Parents who see their kids friendless often feel saddened by the loneliness they feel their child is experiencing. While this is sometimes the experience with kids who struggle socially, it is not universal with friendless children. There are kids who simply see the world from an isolated perspective, and though they say they don’t need friends they may want them. Real friends are vital we all need them and we are designed for a connection with others. Some children struggle to make friends because of their poor social skills others because of developmental delays in either processing or emotional regulation. So what can a parent do to encourage their child who doesn’t seem to make friends?

One of the most important jobs of parents is to support their children. This doesn’t mean coddle them or do things for them, what it does mean is provide a means to help them in the learning process. This may mean physically, as in transporting them from place to place. It may be emotionally, in helping them process interactions with others, or it may be simply to support them spiritually through an active prayer life for your child. When a child’s social skills are not up to the maturity level of their chronological age you can encourage your child by working with them in some simple ways. Help them read facial expression and verbal tones--this is an often assumed skill that children don’t always have. Games are a good way to help your child learn these skills, such as guessing games to help them learn what different facial expressions mean. Next, help your child identify how their actions might affect others. This is helping them with the skill of empathy this is the ability to change your perspective to how another person is feeling. Also help them understand the importance of impulse control. This can be productive when a situation is reviewed in advance to help the child think through the importance of controlling their desires. In social situations this will help the child interact in more positive and controlled ways with their peers.

It will take time and patience to help your child work through something like this. Encouraging your child in activities and opportunities in which they can make connections that lead to friendships is important. Helping them feel comfortable at church can also be a powerful tool in helping your child’s social growth. Church can be a positive and natural way for a child to interact with his/her peers and find the types of relationships that Proverb 18:24 talks about. Part of the verse reads“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” As parents, we are called to pray and lift up our children to The Lord, asking that He may be their most powerful and important friend and allowing all other relationships be a reflection of this vital union.

By Grant Anderson, M.A.