Reading List: Books for Parents of a Rebellious Teen

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ or willful rebellion against everything you have taught them are some of the most painful things you can endure. Whether your child is rejecting your belief system, values, or a relationship with you, navigating your way towards a loving response is never easy. But in your role as a parent, God has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin.

If you are facing this painful situation, don’t lose hope. We serve a God of hope and redemption, who delights in giving us all second chances. In the meantime, here are a few books you may find helpful to read for ideas on how to lovingly engage with them.

1. The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

A seasoned journalist chases down the biggest story in history--is there credible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth really is the Son of God?  Retracing his own spiritual journey from atheism to faith, Lee Strobel, former legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, cross-examines a dozen experts with doctorates from schools like Cambridge, Princeton, and Brandeis who are recognized authorities in their own fields. Strobel challenges them with questions like: How reliable is the New Testament? Does evidence for Jesus exist outside the Bible? Is there any reason to believe the resurrection was an actual event? Strobel's tough, point-blank questions make this Gold Medallion-winning book read like a captivating, fast-paced novel. But it's not fiction. It's a riveting quest for the truth about history's most compelling figure.

2. God's Remedy for Rejection by Derek Prince

Rejection is an all too common experience, but it can cause permanent spiritual wounds. Author Derek Prince shows how rejection is the root of many problems, such as substance abuse, difficulty with relationships, rebellion, and depression. In our society, millions of people have experienced rejection. God has made a way to heal your wounds of rejection and bring you into acceptance with Himself and the whole family of God. Discover how to apply God's Remedy for Rejection to your heart, and you can leave the effects of rejection behind permanently.

3. Engaging Today's Prodigal: Clear Thinking, New Approaches, and Reasonsfor Hope by Carol Barnier

Many families today experience the profound guilt and shame filled pain of seeing a child walk away from their faith and values. Churches and parents feel powerless to change the relationship and engage the prodigal in positive ways. Carol Barnier has the insight to help. She left the faith of her pastor father, became an active atheist, debated Christians, and explored a variety of worldviews before she found the truth in a relationship with Jesus.  But far more than her personal story, Engaging Today's Prodigal equips readers with a better understanding of a prodigal's motivation, useful responses that won't prevent reconciliation, clear boundaries to protect themselves and other children, actions to take when you know you have contributed to the problem, and the value of realistic expectations. With effective wit and humor, Carol provides material relevant for churches, parents and even the prodigals themselves.  Can your family or church interact with a prodigal in ways that build a relationship bridge that can provide a way back home when they are ready? Let Engaging Today's Prodigal equip you with clear, specific actions that can overcome the shame, hurt, and loss to bring real hope for the future.

4. Do Hard Things: A TeenageRebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex and Brett Harris

A generation stands on the brink of a "rebelution." A growing movement of young people is rebelling against the low expectations of today's culture by choosing to "do hard things" for the glory of God and Alex and Brett Harris are leading the charge.  Do Hard Things is the Harris twins' revolutionary message in its purest and most compelling form, giving readers a tangible glimpse of what is possible for teens who actively resist cultural lies that limit their potential. Combating the idea of adolescence as a vacation from responsibility, the authors weave together biblical insights, history, and modern examples to redefine the teen years as the launching pad of life.  Then they map out five powerful ways teens can respond for personal and social change.  Written by teens for teens, Do Hard Things is packed with humorous personal anecdotes, practical examples, and stories of real-life rebelutionaries in action. This rallying cry from the heart of an already-happening teen revolution challenges a generation to lay claim to a brighter future, starting today.

5. “What's Happening To My Teen?  Uncovering the Sources of Rebellion by Mark Gregston 

More often than not, teens who behave inappropriately are not rebelling; they're just responding the best way they know how to life's challenges. In What's Happening to My Teen?, youth specialist Mark Gregston contends that all too often parents spend so much time correcting their teen that they forget the teen's greater need for connection. If parents spent more time trying to understand rather than trying to change behavior, they would see a transformation in their teen's attitudes and actions.  What's Happening to My Teen? offers wise counsel that will help parents of teens succeed at one of the most difficult tasks they've ever encountered. As they draw from Gregston's expertise, parents will become better equipped to:  respond constructively to the inevitable conflict, recognize when their teen's behavior is rebellion and when it's not, avoid words and actions that provoke their teen and create a safe environment that promotes truth and open communication.  For parents concerned about their teen's behavior, this book provides the scriptural insight and the skills they need to see their family thrive during those challenging teen years.

6. Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen: Successfully Parenting a Defiant Teenager Without Giving Up or Giving In by Jimmy Myers

Defiant, out-of-control teenagers are holding families hostage to their selfish demands. It would be easy to judge the parents of these teens as ineffective and even easier to label the kids as bad seeds, the symbols of a self-centered generation. But the truth is that even solid, Christ focused families are not immune to the turmoil created by rebellious teenagers. Every day, family counselors across the country see well-intentioned parents who are driven to their wits end by the daily struggle against their children's unmanageable behavior, desperate for a shred of hope that things can change. They also see teenagers whose lives hold great promise, but who need help navigating their way to maturity. In Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen, Dr. Jimmy Myers offers fresh hope to disheartened parents who are doubtful that they can make a difference in their teen's life. He lays out proven, specific strategies to help parents put a stop to unruly behavior, exert their God given authority and parent their teen to success.

How Do I Talk to My Child About Sex, Drugs, Abuse, and Other Tough Topics?

This blog was originally posted on crosswindsyouth.org

These topics are some of the most difficult topics of life to talk about with our children.  There are many factors that contribute to this difficulty.  First, the topics are issues that we as parents do not even want our children to know about let alone talk with them about it.  In addition, some parents feel that talking about them will introduce the idea to their child.  Know that this is just not the case.  Chances are your preteen or teenager has already been exposed to or at least heard other peers talk about these issues.  In addition, not talking about them just causes addition curiosity for something that they heard about, but do not understand.  It is better for them to have the facts from a reliable source, such as yourself, than for them to seek understanding from unreliable sources or experimentation. 

Secondly, some of these topics are embarrassing.  You may be the exception, but chances are when you think back to “the talk” with your parent(s), it was awkward at best.  Do you with that you had a sensitive caring parent that would and did talk openly with you about the most difficult issues?  Someone that you could ask anything and know that they would be open and honest with you without the feelings of awkwardness.  Every child wants a relationship like this and though these talks will probably always have an element of awkwardness to them, these talks can create a closeness and openness between a child and their parent.  The finally reason why these talks are so difficult for some parents is that parents love their children and want what is best for them.  They have a life for their child in their mind and it is often the perfect life void of all difficulty and full of successes.  However, the flip side of this desire for a great life for their child is that at times it causes the parent to deny any difficulties or the possibilities of difficulties.  They protect this idea of the perfect life for their child by denying that anything like the issues of sex, drugs, or abuse could happen to their child.  They don’t want to know if their child is involved because it would break the façade of the parent’s dream life for their child.  If a child is truly struggling in one of these areas, ignoring it will only makes matters worse.  The longer the child participates in this sinful behavior the larger the potential consequences can be. 

One final thought.  The absolute key in talking with your child about these difficult topics is that you have a relationship of openness, transparency, and truthfulness to begin with.  Taking the time to talk regularly with your child, without condemnation or judgmental attitude, but rather listening and gentling guiding will establish a relationship that will make the discussion of these topics much easier.  Remember Deut. 6:4-9 states that we need to be teaching about God and how to love him well to our children.  We do this by talking about life with our children at a real and deep level in order to help them to navigate through a difficult and sinful work and helping them strive for a life that is glorifying and honoring to God.

Rick Deboest  has worked with troubled youth for over ten years. He currently holds a Masters degree in Counseling and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He  oversees the counseling and case management services for all Lifeline Youth & Family Services residential programs.

Where Can I Get Help for My Struggling Teen?

Once you’ve decided to take the next step and get help for you and your family, where do you turn? Before you reach out, you may want to take a minute to think about what’s important to you in a counselor or agency. For example, is it important for you to have counseling that is biblically-based? Are you looking for a counselor/organization with experience, credentials, or both? What type of setting do you think would be the most comfortable for you and your family?

Here are a few suggestions to help you connect with the appropriate resources:

• Talk to your pastor or contact a local church. If you attend a local church, your pastor may know of qualified professionals in the area who have been successful in working with families like yours. If you’re not part of a church, many churches welcome the opportunity to meet with families from the surrounding community to answer questions and offer support.

• Talk with a trusted friend of family member. Often when we’re looking for a new doctor, real estate agent, babysitter, or other type of service professional, we turn to those whom we trust. Have they been through something similar or do they know of someone who has? If so, who did they connect with and was it helpful?

• Contact a referral network or helpline. Some communities have referral networks that provide families with a list of options to look into or national networks, like Focus on the Family, can suggest resources in your area, as well. Another option would be to contact a “one-stop” helpline organization like Crosswinds, who can provide guidance and support for families nationwide, either over the telephone, in your home, through their programs, or through resources right in your community.

Suggested Resources:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/

Crosswinds, Inc. (855) 927-7963, http://www.crosswindsyouth.org/

Getting Through the Holidays with a Troubled Teen

If you’re the parent of a troubled teen, the holidays can be some of the most difficult times for your family. Your teen will have a lot of extra free time, which may lead to more trouble, fighting, and pain for your whole family. But there are steps you can take to help your relationship not reach a point of crisis. Here are five suggestions we’ve gathered to help you survive (and hopefully even enjoy!) the holidays with your teen.

1. Create a structure or schedule for your teen’s time off. Having at least one planned activity per day—whether it’s family Christmas tree decorating or some chores around the house—will help fill some of that extra free time that could be spent getting into trouble. If things are too tense with your teen in the house, strongly encourage them to get a holiday job that will fill a few hours of their week. 
2. Be realistic in your expectations about your teen and about yourself. If your teen has been acting out all year, chances are good that things will not suddenly improve over the holidays. Expect that your teen will likely have a bad attitude and cause tension in your family, but don’t let this ruin your enjoyment of the season. Find time to enjoy traditions and time with other family members without focusing on the problems with your teen.  This will help renew your strength to help your teen, and will also show them that you will not allow their behavior to completely steal your joy.
3. Give your teen options. Ask them what their 2-3 favorite holiday traditions are and require that they participate in those. Then allow them to choose whether or not they participate in the others. This will make them feel listened to and respected, and will also help teach the value of compromise. 
4. Be extra vigilant about where your teen is going and how they are getting home. Teen drinking and drinking & driving spikes during the holidays due to more parties, free time, and the possibility of parents having extra alcohol in the house. Decide on a curfew for breaks beforehand and stick to it. Ask other parents to be diligent in ensuring that houses or alcohol are not being used by your teen and their friends for illegal parties. 
5. Set a goal to make a plan for your teen’s treatment by the end of the year. Use the extra time with your teen over the holidays to evaluate if their behavior is worsening or improving.  Then make an informed decision on an appropriate treatment plan for the coming year or, if your teen is already undergoing treatment, any changes to your teen’s therapy. The New Year is a perfect time for a fresh start.

Reading List: Our Top Five Favorite Books for Men Seeking to be Godly Fathers

Dads, have you ever wondered what it means to truly be a Godly father and/or husband? We know it can be an elusive pursuit, and one that is never truly finished! But here are five books that we’ve found helpful as many of our clients pursue this goal.

1. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge

Every man was once a boy.  And every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. Every little girl has dreams, too: of being rescued by her prince and swept up into a great adventure, knowing that she is the beauty. But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man?  Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored.

John Eldredge revises and updates his best-selling, renowned Christian classic, Wild at Heart, and in it invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God. And he invites women to discover the secret of a man’s soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer.  John Eldredge is the director of Ransomed Heart.

Recommended by Harold Graham, Lifeline Youth & Family Services Chaplain

2. The Making of a Man of God: The Lessons from the Life of David by Alan Redpath

David was a shepherd and a king, a soldier and a poet, a sinner and a saint. He was also a man after God's own heart. In this Christian classic, Alan Redpath blends insights from 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 Chronicles, and Psalms to demonstrate how God shapes those who are responsive to his love. Despite his many faults, David became a man who wondrously understood and reflected the mind of God. Both men and women will find themselves identifying with David's struggles and triumphs, giving them a glimpse of how God is continually shaping them as well.

Recommended by Kevin Hedrick, VP of Residential Services

3. Lead Your Family Like Jesus: Powerful Parenting Principles from the Creator of Families by Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges & Tricia Goyer

Does your family need a five-star general at the helm? A psychologist? A referee? Ken Blanchard, best-selling co-author of The One Minute Manager and Lead Like Jesus, points to a better role model: the Son of God. Joined by veteran parents and authors Phil Hodges and Tricia Goyer, renowned business mentor Blanchard shows how every family member benefits when parents take the reins as servant-leaders. Moms and dads will see themselves in a whole new light—as life-changers who get their example, strength, and joy from following Jesus at home. This user-friendly book’s practical principles and personal stories mark the path to a truly Christ-centered family, where integrity, love, grace, self-sacrifice, and forgiveness make all the difference.

Recommended by Focus on the Family

4. Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage by Robert Lewis

Rocking the Roles explains how marriage can be a perfect blend of structure and equality, balance and beauty. Transform your relationship by learning about common misunderstandings about marriage, core roles that don't limit choices what spouses most need to understand about each other, what submission and authority is and is not, sexuality.  Build a marriage on a firm foundation of Scripture, forgiveness, and a healthy understanding of who we are in Christ.

Recommended by Scott Taylor, Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

5. Tender Warrior, Every Man's Purpose, Every Woman's Dream, Every Child's Hope - Stu Weber

Leader. Protector. Friend. Lover. God made you to be each of these…and much more. Stu Weber ’s bestseller, now revised throughout and refreshed with an attractive new look, paints a dramatic and compelling picture of balanced manhood according to God’s vision. Written in a warm, personal style, Weber presents the characteristics of tender warriors—including learning to speak the language of women, watching out for what lies ahead, and keeping commitments—in an upfront, straightforward style that challenges readers to realize God’s plan for men.

Recommended by Rick Deboest, Lifeline Youth & Family Services Director of Clinical Services

The Value of Family

A few years ago while on vacation with my family, I began a discussion with my wife and children about what it really meant to value family, in the way God intended. I asked them if they thought families that were struggling ever meant to be in that situation, or did it happen gradually without them realizing it ? I also asked if that thought that families that are close to each and to God got there by accident or was it through intentionality and hard work?

The conversation was quite lively and it was determined that we needed to be much more intentional about where our family was going if we were going to continue valuing each other and God.

We talked about the fact that each of us would face difficulties in the future and that we needed to begin to be there for each other. We talked about the fact that we would always make that a priority, even when others conveniently walked away. We talked about the value of talking with each other regularly, whether through calling, texting or emailing, to encourage and chastise one other if needed.

One of my favorite moments after that day was when one of my sons called me to let me know that he had read something that one of his siblings' had posted on Facebook that was not Christlike.  But he then told me that he had, in his words, “handled it”. I asked what it meant to handle it. He said that he called his brother to let him know he had read the Facebook post, and that he needed to erase the entry. He also said he would “kick his butt” if he saw something like that again. 

Some people might question the logic of this moment, but I saw it as a moment of our family coming together in a small way that would serve as a model for the future, when the issue might be much more severe. Issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, work ethic, honesty and personal faith are now the responsibility of each member of our family. Accountability alone will not ensure that your family will always value each other and God, but it is a great way to start. 

By Mark Terrell, CEO

How Do I Support My Children as I Go Through a Divorce?

Every child will react to the stress and pain of divorce differently. But no matter what their response, it is important to communicate to the child that they are not responsible for the separation or divorce. Always refer to your former spouse in a positive way and affirm to the child that both parents love them and want to spend time with them.

Be aware that a child’s behavior is often their form of communication. Just as you may be grieving the loss of relationship, your child is also experiencing loss of their family members, routine, school, friends, etc. You may notice that your child is disruptive, sad, angry, isolating, or disrespectful. If your child gets stuck in the grief process, they may benefit from a support group or professional counseling.

Do not discuss anything about the partner’s behavior or details of the separation. This can often put the child in an adult role, where they feel the need to repair the family. Seek support from friends, adult family members, counseling professionals, or church leaders, but do not seek it from your children. Even if they seem to want you to confide in them about your former spouse, in the end this will produce more confusion and pain. 

By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services & Home Based Services at Lifeline Youth & Family Services. Ruth holds a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree from Wayne State University, with a focus in mental health and addictions, and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Licensed Clinical Addictions Counselor (LCAC).

If your divorce has already happened, take a look at this Focus on the Family article providing practical and helpful list of tips to begin the healing process.

The article closes with this encouraging reminder: "Remember, God is sufficient to heal and restore hope to every heart — even your child's. Your job is to provide a safe, stable and godly home. The rest is up to Him."