Friday, August 30, 2013

Helping Your Teen Start the School Year Right

Back to school time when you have a struggling teen can bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Feelings of anxiety or worry (“What if Jon gets suspended again,” or “What do I do if Suzy keeps hanging out with that bad crowd this year?”), but it also is a time for hope and excitement. A new school year means a fresh start for both you and your teen. Don’t give up hope that this could be the year things start improving! Here are a few things you can try to start things off on the right foot:

1. Be intentional about your teen's schedule: There is a balance between making sure your teen is active and involved, but not over-committed. The most productive time for a teen is usually right after school, between 3 and 7 p.m. Encouraging your teen to be involved in activity or sport that meets during these hours will help keep them out of after-school trouble. But pressuring your teen to be too involved can lead to stress and resentment. A good place to start is requiring your teen to be involved with one extracurricular activity of their choosing. Help them decide on this activity as soon as possible, and then create a calendar so they can visualize how it will affect their schedule.

2. Keep a positive attitude about your child’s school and teachers: If your teen hears you frequently complaining about school policies or specific teachers, it will undermine their authority in his/her mind. Unless the school is doing something that blatantly goes against your values, keep negative or critical opinions to yourself.

3. Make your home a restful place to come back to: Pick your battles when your teen is at home. If home is a place of constant bickering, chances are your teen will invent ways to be gone as much as possible. Let go of some of the little things, like your daughter’s eyebrow ring or your son’s long, unruly hair. This is not to say you should let your teen do whatever or dress however they want, but sometimes it is worth keeping the peace by not fighting over issues that do not threaten your teen’s physical, emotional, or spiritual safety.

As the new school year begins, be willing to take an honest look back at what has been done right and wrong in the past. Chances are you and your teen both have mistakes to learn from, but it’s never too late for a fresh start.

Sometimes, the issues a teen is struggling with are serious enough to consider temporarily removing them from their environment to give them an opportunity to focus. If you feel that your consistent best efforts with your teen are ineffective, consider seeking professional help to bring hope and healing to your family.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Why are Girls Mean to Each Other by Debra Beck

As a new school year begins your teen daughter may come home with some stories of other girls being pretty mean. Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck talks about some tips to give your teen or preteen daughter who may be facing unhealthy friendships.

Are Girls Just Being Mean or is it a Sign of Bullying? 

Have you notice the difference between how girls treat each other as an opposed to how boys treat each other?  Girl’s insecurities prevent them from having really close relationships with most girls.  When I talk to teenage girl’s it seems to be the one topic that causes girl’s the most anxiety.  It comes up time and time again how they have to adjust their personality, walk on egg shells, not voice their feelings, so they don’t get shunned and have vicious rumors spread about them from other girl’s.

I remember teenage girl’s being snotty, but not vicious.

One question that came up in one of my girl’s circle was “ I have this sort-of friend, that is my friend one week and then the she is someone else’s best friend the next week. She really doesn’t treat me well, but if I tell her why I don’t want to be her friend, she will shun me and spread vicious rumors that aren’t true and ruin my reputation. How do I walk away from unhealthy relationships without those consequences?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself from unhealthy friendships:


  1. Be yourself, set good boundaries around the way your friends treat you. If you are hanging around with mean girls, ask yourself why?  It could be that your self-esteem needs some attention.
  2. Start saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.  It automatically makes you feel better about who you are. 
  3. Eliminating those girls, it leaves room for better friends to come in.  Don’t be afraid to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she is treating you. If her response is something to the effect of “what ever, get over it” ask yourself if you want a friend that doesn’t care about your feeling…Probably not!
  4. The more you take care of yourself, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and start making better decisions for yourself, and you will start attracting friends that treat you better. 
  5. And last but not least, make sure you’re not a mean girl.  If you are treating other girls poorly, ask yourself, “If I was in her shoes would I like being treated that way.”  If not, see how you can change your actions to be a better friend.

We are a sisterhood and girls need to start treating each other with kindness. Look at how you treat other girls. Are you shunning any girls? Are you spreading rumors about other girls? Are you just joining in when others talk badly about other people? That’s just as bad, by the way! Start looking at your behavior around how you treat others. If you treat others poorly, it’s going to be tough to bring in friends that treat you well.

For the next few weeks start looking at your current relationships, and make some healthy choices in the friend department.  Ask yourself a question regarding each friend. Is this a friendship that is making me feel good, and do I deserve more. Also ask yourself am I the type of friend that I would want to have?  Be really honest with yourself.  Be the friend you want as a friend.

Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author.  She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the “Empowered Teens and Parents” newsletter, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence.  Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem.  Her award-winning book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.



Friday, August 16, 2013

Five Myths About "The Sex Talk": Talking with Your Teen About Sex

“The sex talk” from parents usually gets a pretty negative wrap in mainstream media and television.  Scenes of the awkward mom or dad trying to approach the topic with their savvy teen are always good for a few cheap laughs. But whether or not this depiction is the norm, it almost certainly is not the way to create a healthy and Biblically based dialogue about sex with your child or teen.  Here are a few stereotypes/myths about “the talk” we’d like to challenge, in an effort to help you raise a teen with a healthy and Christ-centered view on sexuality.

Myth 1: At some point in your child’s life, you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about sex. Then you will have done your duty and the job is over.

The idea that at a certain age, it is your job as a parent to sit down and have a long talk about “the birds and the bees” with your child is just plain silly. There is no way you can share everything your child needs to know to have a healthy view on sexuality in an hour, nor would it be beneficial do so once and check it off your list. Instead, establish an ongoing dialogue about sex, even if it seems awkward at first. Whether it’s animals mating on the Discovery Channel, a vulgar movie scene they saw at a friend’s house, or a pregnant teen in your community, take these chances to ask your child what they already know about sex, what their views are, and then share your own views. 

Myth 2: When talking about sex, use vague and general terms so as not to “corrupt” your child.

Have you seen the 2013 KIA Superbowl commercial? It’s cute, clever, and accomplishes its goal of promoting KIA cars, but it also depicts the common myth that parents should be vague or even lie to their kids about the details of sex. In the end, this will cause more confusion than good. Be explicit and use real anatomical terms. Obviously the level of detail should vary with your child’s age, but telling your child they should avoid “inappropriate behavior” isn’t going to help your teen when they are faced with a real sexual situation and have to make a decision.  

Myth 3: Talk about abstinence as the only available method of birth control, mentioning others will just give them ideas.

Chances are pretty good by the time your child reaches their teen years, they will have heard of condoms, the pill, and more, and may even have friends using them. This is a tricky topic to approach, and absolutely should not be presented as an acceptable alternative to abstinence.  However, having an informed and honest conversation with your teen about methods that others are using shows them:

  1. That you are aware that this has become the cultural norm and you are asking them to be different
  2. Allows you to dispel false assumptions they may have heard from others. For example: “John told you there’s no way he can get his girlfriend pregnant because he used a condom? Did you know according to the CDC condoms have an average failure rate of 18%?”

Myth 4:  Focus mostly on the negatives of having sex outside of marriage—you want your teen to associate sex with sin.

Many Christian parents make the mistake of hammering home the negative aspects of sex outside of marriage so hard that their children mistakenly associate all sex with sin. Don’t forget to remind them that God designed sex, but there are good reasons He designed it for marriage only. Have your teen read through Song of Songs and then ask you any questions they might have.

Myth 5: If your child is already well into their teen years, it’s too late to talk to them about sex, they’ve already heard it all!


Whether your child is 10 or 18 years old, it is never too late to begin a healthy dialogue about sex! Even if your teen has already made mistakes, remind them that our God is a God who loves grace, second chances, and fresh starts. 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice.