Reading List: Books for Parents of a Rebellious Teen

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ or willful rebellion against everything you have taught them are some of the most painful things you can endure. Whether your child is rejecting your belief system, values, or a relationship with you, navigating your way towards a loving response is never easy. But in your role as a parent, God has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin.

If you are facing this painful situation, don’t lose hope. We serve a God of hope and redemption, who delights in giving us all second chances. In the meantime, here are a few books you may find helpful to read for ideas on how to lovingly engage with them.

1. The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

A seasoned journalist chases down the biggest story in history--is there credible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth really is the Son of God?  Retracing his own spiritual journey from atheism to faith, Lee Strobel, former legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, cross-examines a dozen experts with doctorates from schools like Cambridge, Princeton, and Brandeis who are recognized authorities in their own fields. Strobel challenges them with questions like: How reliable is the New Testament? Does evidence for Jesus exist outside the Bible? Is there any reason to believe the resurrection was an actual event? Strobel's tough, point-blank questions make this Gold Medallion-winning book read like a captivating, fast-paced novel. But it's not fiction. It's a riveting quest for the truth about history's most compelling figure.

2. God's Remedy for Rejection by Derek Prince

Rejection is an all too common experience, but it can cause permanent spiritual wounds. Author Derek Prince shows how rejection is the root of many problems, such as substance abuse, difficulty with relationships, rebellion, and depression. In our society, millions of people have experienced rejection. God has made a way to heal your wounds of rejection and bring you into acceptance with Himself and the whole family of God. Discover how to apply God's Remedy for Rejection to your heart, and you can leave the effects of rejection behind permanently.

3. Engaging Today's Prodigal: Clear Thinking, New Approaches, and Reasonsfor Hope by Carol Barnier

Many families today experience the profound guilt and shame filled pain of seeing a child walk away from their faith and values. Churches and parents feel powerless to change the relationship and engage the prodigal in positive ways. Carol Barnier has the insight to help. She left the faith of her pastor father, became an active atheist, debated Christians, and explored a variety of worldviews before she found the truth in a relationship with Jesus.  But far more than her personal story, Engaging Today's Prodigal equips readers with a better understanding of a prodigal's motivation, useful responses that won't prevent reconciliation, clear boundaries to protect themselves and other children, actions to take when you know you have contributed to the problem, and the value of realistic expectations. With effective wit and humor, Carol provides material relevant for churches, parents and even the prodigals themselves.  Can your family or church interact with a prodigal in ways that build a relationship bridge that can provide a way back home when they are ready? Let Engaging Today's Prodigal equip you with clear, specific actions that can overcome the shame, hurt, and loss to bring real hope for the future.

4. Do Hard Things: A TeenageRebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex and Brett Harris

A generation stands on the brink of a "rebelution." A growing movement of young people is rebelling against the low expectations of today's culture by choosing to "do hard things" for the glory of God and Alex and Brett Harris are leading the charge.  Do Hard Things is the Harris twins' revolutionary message in its purest and most compelling form, giving readers a tangible glimpse of what is possible for teens who actively resist cultural lies that limit their potential. Combating the idea of adolescence as a vacation from responsibility, the authors weave together biblical insights, history, and modern examples to redefine the teen years as the launching pad of life.  Then they map out five powerful ways teens can respond for personal and social change.  Written by teens for teens, Do Hard Things is packed with humorous personal anecdotes, practical examples, and stories of real-life rebelutionaries in action. This rallying cry from the heart of an already-happening teen revolution challenges a generation to lay claim to a brighter future, starting today.

5. “What's Happening To My Teen?  Uncovering the Sources of Rebellion by Mark Gregston 

More often than not, teens who behave inappropriately are not rebelling; they're just responding the best way they know how to life's challenges. In What's Happening to My Teen?, youth specialist Mark Gregston contends that all too often parents spend so much time correcting their teen that they forget the teen's greater need for connection. If parents spent more time trying to understand rather than trying to change behavior, they would see a transformation in their teen's attitudes and actions.  What's Happening to My Teen? offers wise counsel that will help parents of teens succeed at one of the most difficult tasks they've ever encountered. As they draw from Gregston's expertise, parents will become better equipped to:  respond constructively to the inevitable conflict, recognize when their teen's behavior is rebellion and when it's not, avoid words and actions that provoke their teen and create a safe environment that promotes truth and open communication.  For parents concerned about their teen's behavior, this book provides the scriptural insight and the skills they need to see their family thrive during those challenging teen years.

6. Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen: Successfully Parenting a Defiant Teenager Without Giving Up or Giving In by Jimmy Myers

Defiant, out-of-control teenagers are holding families hostage to their selfish demands. It would be easy to judge the parents of these teens as ineffective and even easier to label the kids as bad seeds, the symbols of a self-centered generation. But the truth is that even solid, Christ focused families are not immune to the turmoil created by rebellious teenagers. Every day, family counselors across the country see well-intentioned parents who are driven to their wits end by the daily struggle against their children's unmanageable behavior, desperate for a shred of hope that things can change. They also see teenagers whose lives hold great promise, but who need help navigating their way to maturity. In Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen, Dr. Jimmy Myers offers fresh hope to disheartened parents who are doubtful that they can make a difference in their teen's life. He lays out proven, specific strategies to help parents put a stop to unruly behavior, exert their God given authority and parent their teen to success.

How Do I Talk to My Child About Sex, Drugs, Abuse, and Other Tough Topics?

This blog was originally posted on crosswindsyouth.org

These topics are some of the most difficult topics of life to talk about with our children.  There are many factors that contribute to this difficulty.  First, the topics are issues that we as parents do not even want our children to know about let alone talk with them about it.  In addition, some parents feel that talking about them will introduce the idea to their child.  Know that this is just not the case.  Chances are your preteen or teenager has already been exposed to or at least heard other peers talk about these issues.  In addition, not talking about them just causes addition curiosity for something that they heard about, but do not understand.  It is better for them to have the facts from a reliable source, such as yourself, than for them to seek understanding from unreliable sources or experimentation. 

Secondly, some of these topics are embarrassing.  You may be the exception, but chances are when you think back to “the talk” with your parent(s), it was awkward at best.  Do you with that you had a sensitive caring parent that would and did talk openly with you about the most difficult issues?  Someone that you could ask anything and know that they would be open and honest with you without the feelings of awkwardness.  Every child wants a relationship like this and though these talks will probably always have an element of awkwardness to them, these talks can create a closeness and openness between a child and their parent.  The finally reason why these talks are so difficult for some parents is that parents love their children and want what is best for them.  They have a life for their child in their mind and it is often the perfect life void of all difficulty and full of successes.  However, the flip side of this desire for a great life for their child is that at times it causes the parent to deny any difficulties or the possibilities of difficulties.  They protect this idea of the perfect life for their child by denying that anything like the issues of sex, drugs, or abuse could happen to their child.  They don’t want to know if their child is involved because it would break the façade of the parent’s dream life for their child.  If a child is truly struggling in one of these areas, ignoring it will only makes matters worse.  The longer the child participates in this sinful behavior the larger the potential consequences can be. 

One final thought.  The absolute key in talking with your child about these difficult topics is that you have a relationship of openness, transparency, and truthfulness to begin with.  Taking the time to talk regularly with your child, without condemnation or judgmental attitude, but rather listening and gentling guiding will establish a relationship that will make the discussion of these topics much easier.  Remember Deut. 6:4-9 states that we need to be teaching about God and how to love him well to our children.  We do this by talking about life with our children at a real and deep level in order to help them to navigate through a difficult and sinful work and helping them strive for a life that is glorifying and honoring to God.

Rick Deboest  has worked with troubled youth for over ten years. He currently holds a Masters degree in Counseling and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He  oversees the counseling and case management services for all Lifeline Youth & Family Services residential programs.

Where Can I Get Help for My Struggling Teen?

Once you’ve decided to take the next step and get help for you and your family, where do you turn? Before you reach out, you may want to take a minute to think about what’s important to you in a counselor or agency. For example, is it important for you to have counseling that is biblically-based? Are you looking for a counselor/organization with experience, credentials, or both? What type of setting do you think would be the most comfortable for you and your family?

Here are a few suggestions to help you connect with the appropriate resources:

• Talk to your pastor or contact a local church. If you attend a local church, your pastor may know of qualified professionals in the area who have been successful in working with families like yours. If you’re not part of a church, many churches welcome the opportunity to meet with families from the surrounding community to answer questions and offer support.

• Talk with a trusted friend of family member. Often when we’re looking for a new doctor, real estate agent, babysitter, or other type of service professional, we turn to those whom we trust. Have they been through something similar or do they know of someone who has? If so, who did they connect with and was it helpful?

• Contact a referral network or helpline. Some communities have referral networks that provide families with a list of options to look into or national networks, like Focus on the Family, can suggest resources in your area, as well. Another option would be to contact a “one-stop” helpline organization like Crosswinds, who can provide guidance and support for families nationwide, either over the telephone, in your home, through their programs, or through resources right in your community.

Suggested Resources:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/

Crosswinds, Inc. (855) 927-7963, http://www.crosswindsyouth.org/

How Do I Support My Children as I Go Through a Divorce?

Every child will react to the stress and pain of divorce differently. But no matter what their response, it is important to communicate to the child that they are not responsible for the separation or divorce. Always refer to your former spouse in a positive way and affirm to the child that both parents love them and want to spend time with them.

Be aware that a child’s behavior is often their form of communication. Just as you may be grieving the loss of relationship, your child is also experiencing loss of their family members, routine, school, friends, etc. You may notice that your child is disruptive, sad, angry, isolating, or disrespectful. If your child gets stuck in the grief process, they may benefit from a support group or professional counseling.

Do not discuss anything about the partner’s behavior or details of the separation. This can often put the child in an adult role, where they feel the need to repair the family. Seek support from friends, adult family members, counseling professionals, or church leaders, but do not seek it from your children. Even if they seem to want you to confide in them about your former spouse, in the end this will produce more confusion and pain. 

By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services & Home Based Services at Lifeline Youth & Family Services. Ruth holds a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree from Wayne State University, with a focus in mental health and addictions, and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Licensed Clinical Addictions Counselor (LCAC).

If your divorce has already happened, take a look at this Focus on the Family article providing practical and helpful list of tips to begin the healing process.

The article closes with this encouraging reminder: "Remember, God is sufficient to heal and restore hope to every heart — even your child's. Your job is to provide a safe, stable and godly home. The rest is up to Him."

How Can I Help My Child When They are Struggling in School?

My child is struggling in school and he doesn’t seem to care! 

I believe this is a common issue that many parents will face and many parents do not know how to help.  My experiences as an educator for 10+ years, being married to an educator for 12 years, and being a father of three have helped me understand some reasons for school failures. 

Many students have legitimate reasons for struggling in school. Some reasons are attention problems, learning disabilities, emotional issues, social problems, and embarrassment. Many of these should be handled by professionals within the school (attention deficits and learning disabilities), but others can be addressed through communication and strategic relationships.

Because of normal adolescent behaviors, students are often interested in things other than schoolwork.  As teenager’s social life increases and choices of positive friends decreases, the academic achievements can often suffer.  This is not because your child is getting dumber, but because they are getting less interested in school.  Often times parents are clueless to this decrease in academics because they don’t ask the right questions or seek out additional information from the school.  As a parent, it is our responsibility to ask the right questions to our children and to the school.

Many times, students start to care more about friends than they do about homework, causing them to fall behind in class.  Once a student falls behind they often are too embarrassed to ask for help and therefore fall further behind.  To save the embarrassment of feeling dumb, they sometimes put up the front that “school is stupid” or “I don’t need school”.  This is not because students really believe this; it is because this is easier than facing the battle of getting caught up in class.

What to do?

Here are a few of the techniques I have found to be successful.

• Find an older peer that is positively engaged in school to mentor your son or daughter.  Peer influence is very powerful, take advantage of that.

• Find a teacher that will invest in your child in school and out of school.  Once kids realize that teachers care, their performance will improve.

• Find a teacher you can talk to.  Teachers spend time with your kids and often have insights that you won’t about what is really going on in your child’s life.

• Be bold in stressing to your child how important school is.  An education opens up opportunities for a lifetime.

• Be bold in asking questions of the school.  Your child is worth fighting for!

Proverbs 4:13: Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life. 

By Kevin Hedrick, Vice President of Residential Services

How Do I React If My Child Has No Friends?

Parents who see their kids friendless often feel saddened by the loneliness they feel their child is experiencing. While this is sometimes the experience with kids who struggle socially, it is not universal with friendless children. There are kids who simply see the world from an isolated perspective, and though they say they don’t need friends they may want them. Real friends are vital we all need them and we are designed for a connection with others. Some children struggle to make friends because of their poor social skills others because of developmental delays in either processing or emotional regulation. So what can a parent do to encourage their child who doesn’t seem to make friends?

One of the most important jobs of parents is to support their children. This doesn’t mean coddle them or do things for them, what it does mean is provide a means to help them in the learning process. This may mean physically, as in transporting them from place to place. It may be emotionally, in helping them process interactions with others, or it may be simply to support them spiritually through an active prayer life for your child. When a child’s social skills are not up to the maturity level of their chronological age you can encourage your child by working with them in some simple ways. Help them read facial expression and verbal tones--this is an often assumed skill that children don’t always have. Games are a good way to help your child learn these skills, such as guessing games to help them learn what different facial expressions mean. Next, help your child identify how their actions might affect others. This is helping them with the skill of empathy this is the ability to change your perspective to how another person is feeling. Also help them understand the importance of impulse control. This can be productive when a situation is reviewed in advance to help the child think through the importance of controlling their desires. In social situations this will help the child interact in more positive and controlled ways with their peers.

It will take time and patience to help your child work through something like this. Encouraging your child in activities and opportunities in which they can make connections that lead to friendships is important. Helping them feel comfortable at church can also be a powerful tool in helping your child’s social growth. Church can be a positive and natural way for a child to interact with his/her peers and find the types of relationships that Proverb 18:24 talks about. Part of the verse reads“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” As parents, we are called to pray and lift up our children to The Lord, asking that He may be their most powerful and important friend and allowing all other relationships be a reflection of this vital union.

By Grant Anderson, M.A.

Why Care About My Teen's Love Language?

It is common knowledge that I am probably the worst Spanish student that the world has ever known.  I find it ironic that I now run an organization that is in a Spanish speaking country.  I’m sure that my Spanish speaking employees love listening to my broken Spanish and especially like my hand signals and gestures that I use to get my point across.  

Not unlike my visits to the Dominican Republic I often think that my family speaks a different language and in fact they do.  Not only do they speak a different language I get the very same blank stares that I receive as I speak to my Spanish speaking staff.

In the book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about the fact that each of us has a different love languages:  “physical touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, time and attention, and gift giving.  He describes the fact that each of us has one of these love languages and the importance of knowing our families love language and the importance of knowing our own love language.

How do you know which love language you have?  Simply put, it is the one that you find yourself giving to others.  

For example my wife loves to clean the garage for me (Acts of Service) and I love to tell my wife how beautiful she is (Words of encouragement).  She is telling me that she loves me by cleaning the garage when all I want is to tell her that I am a great provider, and I am telling her that I love her by paying her a compliment when all she wants me to do is clean the garage.  

Unfortunately, what results from this misunderstanding is that I simply walk through the garage not noticing or appreciating all of her hard work or she will simply rebuff my compliment by telling me she hasn’t washed her hair in two days.  We are each trying to tell the other one that we love them but we are doing it in a way that neither of us understands or appreciates.  This situation over time will result in bitterness and confusion which can and will an adverse affect on our marriage.

This same lack of understanding can take a toll on our children as well.   For instance if your daughter’s love language is physical touch and you and your spouse never fill that need she will find a way to fill that void in a way that is harmful to her. 

We should care to know each of our families love languages so that they will know that they are truly loved and cared for.  If not we risk seeing blanks stares from those we love the most.

Learn your own love language and help your teen discover theirs by taking the Love Language Profile. 


By Mark Terrell, CEO

Helping Your Teen Start the School Year Right

Back to school time when you have a struggling teen can bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Feelings of anxiety or worry (“What if Jon gets suspended again,” or “What do I do if Suzy keeps hanging out with that bad crowd this year?”), but it also is a time for hope and excitement. A new school year means a fresh start for both you and your teen. Don’t give up hope that this could be the year things start improving! Here are a few things you can try to start things off on the right foot:

1. Be intentional about your teen's schedule: There is a balance between making sure your teen is active and involved, but not over-committed. The most productive time for a teen is usually right after school, between 3 and 7 p.m. Encouraging your teen to be involved in activity or sport that meets during these hours will help keep them out of after-school trouble. But pressuring your teen to be too involved can lead to stress and resentment. A good place to start is requiring your teen to be involved with one extracurricular activity of their choosing. Help them decide on this activity as soon as possible, and then create a calendar so they can visualize how it will affect their schedule.

2. Keep a positive attitude about your child’s school and teachers: If your teen hears you frequently complaining about school policies or specific teachers, it will undermine their authority in his/her mind. Unless the school is doing something that blatantly goes against your values, keep negative or critical opinions to yourself.

3. Make your home a restful place to come back to: Pick your battles when your teen is at home. If home is a place of constant bickering, chances are your teen will invent ways to be gone as much as possible. Let go of some of the little things, like your daughter’s eyebrow ring or your son’s long, unruly hair. This is not to say you should let your teen do whatever or dress however they want, but sometimes it is worth keeping the peace by not fighting over issues that do not threaten your teen’s physical, emotional, or spiritual safety.

As the new school year begins, be willing to take an honest look back at what has been done right and wrong in the past. Chances are you and your teen both have mistakes to learn from, but it’s never too late for a fresh start.

Sometimes, the issues a teen is struggling with are serious enough to consider temporarily removing them from their environment to give them an opportunity to focus. If you feel that your consistent best efforts with your teen are ineffective, consider seeking professional help to bring hope and healing to your family.

Why are Girls Mean to Each Other by Debra Beck

As a new school year begins your teen daughter may come home with some stories of other girls being pretty mean. Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck talks about some tips to give your teen or preteen daughter who may be facing unhealthy friendships.

Are Girls Just Being Mean or is it a Sign of Bullying? 

Have you notice the difference between how girls treat each other as an opposed to how boys treat each other?  Girl’s insecurities prevent them from having really close relationships with most girls.  When I talk to teenage girl’s it seems to be the one topic that causes girl’s the most anxiety.  It comes up time and time again how they have to adjust their personality, walk on egg shells, not voice their feelings, so they don’t get shunned and have vicious rumors spread about them from other girl’s.

I remember teenage girl’s being snotty, but not vicious.

One question that came up in one of my girl’s circle was “ I have this sort-of friend, that is my friend one week and then the she is someone else’s best friend the next week. She really doesn’t treat me well, but if I tell her why I don’t want to be her friend, she will shun me and spread vicious rumors that aren’t true and ruin my reputation. How do I walk away from unhealthy relationships without those consequences?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself from unhealthy friendships:

1. Be yourself, set good boundaries around the way your friends treat you. If you are hanging around with mean girls, ask yourself why?  It could be that your self-esteem needs some attention.
2. Start saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.  It automatically makes you feel better about who you are. 
3. Eliminating those girls, it leaves room for better friends to come in.  Don’t be afraid to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she is treating you. If her response is something to the effect of “what ever, get over it” ask yourself if you want a friend that doesn’t care about your feeling…Probably not!
4. The more you take care of yourself, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and start making better decisions for yourself, and you will start attracting friends that treat you better. 
5. And last but not least, make sure you’re not a mean girl.  If you are treating other girls poorly, ask yourself, “If I was in her shoes would I like being treated that way.”  If not, see how you can change your actions to be a better friend.

We are a sisterhood and girls need to start treating each other with kindness. Look at how you treat other girls. Are you shunning any girls? Are you spreading rumors about other girls? Are you just joining in when others talk badly about other people? That’s just as bad, by the way! Start looking at your behavior around how you treat others. If you treat others poorly, it’s going to be tough to bring in friends that treat you well.

For the next few weeks start looking at your current relationships, and make some healthy choices in the friend department.  Ask yourself a question regarding each friend. Is this a friendship that is making me feel good, and do I deserve more. Also ask yourself am I the type of friend that I would want to have?  Be really honest with yourself.  Be the friend you want as a friend.

Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author.  She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the “Empowered Teens and Parents” newsletter, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence.  Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem.  Her award-winning book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.

Five Myths About "The Sex Talk": Talking with Your Teen About Sex

“The sex talk” from parents usually gets a pretty negative wrap in mainstream media and television.  Scenes of the awkward mom or dad trying to approach the topic with their savvy teen are always good for a few cheap laughs. But whether or not this depiction is the norm, it almost certainly is not the way to create a healthy and Biblically based dialogue about sex with your child or teen.  Here are a few stereotypes/myths about “the talk” we’d like to challenge, in an effort to help you raise a teen with a healthy and Christ-centered view on sexuality.

Myth 1: At some point in your child’s life, you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about sex. Then you will have done your duty and the job is over.

The idea that at a certain age, it is your job as a parent to sit down and have a long talk about “the birds and the bees” with your child is just plain silly. There is no way you can share everything your child needs to know to have a healthy view on sexuality in an hour, nor would it be beneficial do so once and check it off your list. Instead, establish an ongoing dialogue about sex, even if it seems awkward at first. Whether it’s animals mating on the Discovery Channel, a vulgar movie scene they saw at a friend’s house, or a pregnant teen in your community, take these chances to ask your child what they already know about sex, what their views are, and then share your own views. 

Myth 2: When talking about sex, use vague and general terms so as not to “corrupt” your child.

Have you seen the 2013 KIA Superbowl commercial? It’s cute, clever, and accomplishes its goal of promoting KIA cars, but it also depicts the common myth that parents should be vague or even lie to their kids about the details of sex. In the end, this will cause more confusion than good. Be explicit and use real anatomical terms. Obviously the level of detail should vary with your child’s age, but telling your child they should avoid “inappropriate behavior” isn’t going to help your teen when they are faced with a real sexual situation and have to make a decision.  

Myth 3: Talk about abstinence as the only available method of birth control, mentioning others will just give them ideas.

Chances are pretty good by the time your child reaches their teen years, they will have heard of condoms, the pill, and more, and may even have friends using them. This is a tricky topic to approach, and absolutely should not be presented as an acceptable alternative to abstinence.  However, having an informed and honest conversation with your teen about methods that others are using shows them:

1. That you are aware that this has become the cultural norm and you are asking them to be different
2. Allows you to dispel false assumptions they may have heard from others. For example: “John told you there’s no way he can get his girlfriend pregnant because he used a condom? Did you know according to the CDC condoms have an average failure rate of 18%?”

Myth 4:  Focus mostly on the negatives of having sex outside of marriage—you want your teen to associate sex with sin.

Many Christian parents make the mistake of hammering home the negative aspects of sex outside of marriage so hard that their children mistakenly associate all sex with sin. Don’t forget to remind them that God designed sex, but there are good reasons He designed it for marriage only. Have your teen read through Song of Songs and then ask you any questions they might have.

Myth 5: If your child is already well into their teen years, it’s too late to talk to them about sex, they’ve already heard it all!

Whether your child is 10 or 18 years old, it is never too late to begin a healthy dialogue about sex! Even if your teen has already made mistakes, remind them that our God is a God who loves grace, second chances, and fresh starts. 

Help! My Teenager is a Bully

Bullying has garnered a lot of national attention in recent years. The consequences of bullying can be traumatizing. It can have negative effect on a teenager’s mental health including depression, anxiety, and in worst cases, suicide. While many parents worry that their teenager is getting bullied, there are many parents out there who worry about the exact opposite; their son or daughter may be bullying others.

Knowing that your child has inflicted undue harm on another person can be an incredible emotional
experience. You may question your parenting skills and/or feel tremendous guilt. Many parents may fall into the denial trap and fail to address the issue. How can you identify that your teen is engaging in bullying behavior and what can you do to correct this?

What is bullying?

Remember that bullying is not limited to physical violence. Verbal abuses such as name calling or teasing fall under the realm of bullying as well. Social abuses such as starting false rumors or purposeful social exclusion is also a form of bullying. In fact, StopBullying.gov defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attaching someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.”

Common characteristics of teens who bully

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Are prone to physical confrontations
• Are overly concerned about their social standing (popularity)
• Have trouble following rules
• Have aggressive friends
• Lack empathy
• Vandalize property
• Drink alcohol, do drugs, or smoke

What can I do to stop my teen from bullying others?

The nature of bullying can make it very difficult to address your children’s bullying. In many cases, the teenagers are aggressive and hot headed so approaching the topic can be challenging. Despite the challenge, it is important to have several conversations with your teen about the issue.

Try these 5 tips:

1. Clear rules with clear consequences: Explain to your teenager the potential effects of bullying and why it will not be tolerated. Define what actions will receive punishment and what those punishments will be. 
2. Be a role model: Teenagers learn from the actions of adults. Treat others with respect and courtesy. Be conscience about how you speak to others around your teenager. It starts at home.
3. Get the school involved: Talk to your teenager’s teacher or principle about your goal to correct your teenager’s bullying. Have them contact you for even minor infractions and hold your teenager accountable. 
4. Be involved in your child’s social life: What are your teen’s friends like? What kind of pressure is your teen under at school? Does peer pressure play a role? Monitor their social media accounts for signs of cyber bullying. 
5. Get help: Parents can sometimes feel powerless to help their teens. Nothing seems to work and your teenager isn’t responding. Talk to your teenager about seeing an adolescent counselor. If they won’t go, consider speaking to a counselor yourself. Counselors can help you develop effective parenting techniques. 

By Miguel Brown
Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

How Much Do You Love Them?

The more I work with families, the more I am surprised by what I learn. I often hear moms or dads tell me how much they love their children, and that they would be willing to do anything to help them. Unfortunately, sometimes what I observe is completely the opposite of true sacrificial love.  I will give you some examples and let you be the judge.

•  A child is struggling with a pornography  addiction, but a parent refuses to have their child speak to their youth pastor because they are embarrassed that this has been going on in their home.

•  A teenage boy has no job, but always seems to have cash available to go to the movies and buy the latest electronic gadget. His parents never ask how or where he is getting his funds, because they are struggling financially and know they could never afford to give him the things he wants.

•  A child is questioning his/her faith because of what they are hearing from peers or teachers, but the parents don’t make time to go to church or youth group because their weekends are reserved for the lake.

• A young man is an incredible football player and is caught selling drugs for the second time. The parents fail to enforce the rules laid out the first time he was caught, because they are afraid it will cost him his scholarship.

Each of these examples comes from a real discussion I had with the parents of a child who is struggling. The common denominator in each of these situations is that the parents must choose between what is best for their child or what is convenient.

How much do you love your family?  Enough to do whatever is necessary?

By Mark Terrell, CEO

Parenting a Teen in the Age of Social Media

If you're the parent of a teen, the words "social media" might give you a pit in your stomach as your mind immediately jumps to all of the horrible stories you have read about the dangers of this exponentially growing industry that your kids understand so much more than you do. But social media, like any new technology, is not inherently bad. In fact, it is arguably an important skill for your child to learn as it will no doubt become relevant in their future lives. Social media has become an industry, not to mention a critical part of most business strategies, so consider that chances are good that being social media savvy could very well benefit your child's career.

But on the flip side, if not used responsibly, it could greatly damage their career, relationships, and even safety. So what can parents do to teach teens how to use a powerful tool they may not understand themselves? A few suggestions:


Be aware: Know exactly what social media sites your teen uses, and make it your business to at least learn the basics of those same sites. Create a profile on each of the sites and, even if you never post anything yourself, use it to keep tabs on what they are posting. Let your teen know you will be keeping tabs on what they post and require them to accept you as a friend or follower. This establishes that principle that they shouldn't be posting anything they would not want you seeing.

Determine specific age privileges: There are certain ages where teens simply don't yet have the maturity to be solely responsible for the power social media provides. Talk with your spouse and agree on levels of privileges for each age. For example, your child can create a social media account when they are 13 but must give you the login and password. When they turn 14, you will not log in anymore, but will still check their profile, etc. 

Reward responsibility: If your teen proves themselves to be responsible with a Facebook account for a set amount of time, allow them to also get a Twitter. Conversely, if they post inappropriate pictures, words, etc. on one social media account, let them know ahead of time that this will result in a waiting period before they can create more accounts. 

Understand the identity issues: Parents often don't understand how much a teen's identity can become wrapped up in the number of friends, followers, likes, and comments a teen has on a specific social media account. In their minds, popularity is now quantifiable and public, and can take an enormous toll on self-esteem if the numbers aren't high enough. Don't shrug it off if your teen gets upset about the low number of likes they got on a picture. Use it as an opportunity to talk with them about identity. Sympathize with their struggle, but also explain the lack of real value in these numbers that seem so important in the moment.

Tell them the horror stories: If you read a story about an old inappropriate picture costing a prospective employee job, or  a man being arrested for uploading a video where he pretending to drink and drive , casually mention it to your teen. It doesn't need to be a long lecture about the evils of social media, but letting your teen know about real consequences for things posted will stick with them. Then maybe they'll think twice before posting that status about drinking or drugs that to them was a joke, but could have very real consequences.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Reacting to Your Teen & Therapeutic Crisis Intervention

If you are the parent of a teen, chances are pretty good that you will be gifted with the opportunity to confront disrespect or anger from your child. The natural response is to react with anger, frustration, yelling, or hurtful words. This is our tendency as human beings, and can feel like an effective defense mechanism.

But however "good" it may feel in the moment, reacting out of emotion will not only escalate the situation, but will also cause you to miss a crucial moment to teach your teen. When your teen is experiencing intense emotions, they may be physically unable to think clearly; this means that any lessons you attempt to teach them in the moment will be lost.  Your goal in an explosive situation of disrespect should be to de-escalate the emotion, giving you the opportunity to have a rational conversation with your teen. But that's easier said than done, right?

This is where a method called Therapeutic Crisis Intervention comes in. Therapeutic Crisis Intervention was developed by Cornell University, and focuses on de-escalating an explosive emotional situation. Many of our staff at Caribbean Mountain Academy have received formal training on Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. As a parent, try using the following first step of this method to control your own reaction. Before reacting, ask yourself these four questions:

1. What am I feeling?
2. What does my child feel, need, or want?
3. How is the environment affecting my child?
4. How do I best respond? 

Giving yourself even two minutes to consider these questions will allow you to respond in love, rather than in anger. After that, you can use an appropriate response from the Therapeutic Crisis Intervention method, such as gently helping them through a frustrating task, giving them space, or redirecting their attention to something else. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Five Tips for Talking with Your Teen

Does it ever seem like you and your teen are talking different languages or not talking at all? You may find these tips helpful in bridging the communication gap.

1. Chat with your child. If communicating has been lacking in your relationship, chatting with your child is a good way to start again.  Making small talk, without being critical, creates a non-threatening environment for kids to express themselves.

2. Remember that a teen’s behavior is sometimes their language.  However, it’s best to ask, rather than assume, what they are trying to say non-verbally.

3. Eating is a social activity that can create a positive environment and time to talk your child about their day.  Establish this habit early in your family.

4. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child and make it a special time alone with each parent.  Since each child-parent relationship is unique, it a great opportunity to grow relationships.

5. Be sure to engage in equal sharing time versus probing into your teen’s thoughts and feelings.  Sharing builds intimacy and trust.  

      What methods have worked for you in communicating with your teen? 

      By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services

Tips on Keeping Sibling Rivalries in Check

Any of us with siblings can recall at least one event of sibling rivalry gone awry. Nasty words are exchanged and perhaps even some pushing and shoving. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up with a brother or sister. Many people believe it to be a rite of passage and a good way for children to learn conflict resolution skills. However, it is important for parents to monitor conflicts between your children and to look for signs of bullying.

There has been little research on the effects of sibling bullying; however, a new study published in the Journal of Pediatrics concluded that sibling aggression should not be dismissed. The psychological anguish from sibling bullying can be just as damaging as peer bullying. The study reported that children who experienced sibling aggression in the last year were more likely to report signs of depression, anxiety, and anger. In the study, aggression was defined as physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, or having their things stolen or purposely destroyed. The study goes on to suggest that anti-bullying awareness campaigns should include sibling bullying as well.

As a parent, how can you distinguish between common inter-sibling spats and bullying? Ask yourself if the aggression is one-sided and chronic. If the aggression goes both ways and occurs sporadically then bulling may not be the issue. However, if one child consistently plays the role of aggressor and instigator then it is important to have a family talk about the issue.

Helping your children get along and develop a relationship is important to every parent. Try these tips to help keep sibling rivalries in check:

Clearly defined rules and consequences: Children and teenagers will continually test boundaries as part of normal development.  Make sure they know what behaviors cross the line and firmly follow through with implementing consequences when the line is crossed. 

Give them space: Allow your children time to be alone or away from their siblings. This is especially important if your children share the same bedroom. Find activities that they can do alone or enroll them in different extracurricular activities.

One-on-one attention: Make an effort to give all your children some one-on-one attention with you. This can help reduce feelings of jealously or favoritism that can lead to sibling bickering.

Counseling: You may consider getting professional help if your children have extreme difficulty getting along. Marriage and family therapist are trained in resolving and mediating family conflicts and relationships.

By Miguel Brown

Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter. 

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

• Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

•  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

•  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

• Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

• Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

• Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

• Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)

Parenting: Don't Give Up on Discipline

Children learn very early if a parent is serious about following through with discipline. If your five-year-old learns they can get you to give up on discipline by throwing a temper tantrum, there's a good chance that is probably not going to stop when they're 16. But we know discipline is hard, and sometimes it may seem easier just to give in. In a recent blog on discipline, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell described it by saying, "Parenting and disciplining is not for the faint-hearted, and must be done with the same vigor with which you approach your career. Early efforts will pay off in the future, but a lack of discipline will cost you in the end."

So how do you stay strong and discipline your child in a healthy, loving (but firm) way? Although there's no magic formula to being a perfect disciplinarian, here are a few methods that may help you along the way:

• Follow through on discipline, even when it hurts your fun.

• Both parents must be on the same page or the child will divide and conquer you.

• Never make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on.

• Don’t make every battle a world war.  Make it your goal to win the war, not just the battle.

• Expect first time obedience

• Never argue about a child’s discipline in front of the child.  Excuse yourself to a private place and come out united. 

• Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. If you lose your temper and say or do things that you shouldn't, apologize to your child and explain why what you did was wrong. 

Mistakes will happen. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child. But the most important thing is to never stop working to improve, and to show your child that you will never give up.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Teaching Your Teen Daughter Modesty

We bet that almost ALL parents of teen daughters can relate to this topic. Fighting the modesty battle is getting harder and harder, as the world keeps telling your daughter to show off more and more. But the battle is definitely worth it. Here's 5 quick tips we posted on our website last week that we hope will help you keep up the fight.

1. Set specific family modesty standards. . If all your daughter knows is that you want her to “dress modestly,” it’s easy for lines to be blurred or for her to feel like it will be impossible for her to live up to your modesty standards, and she may subsequently give up. Spend some time talking with your spouse about modesty standards you both agree on and then communicate them clearly to your daughter.

2. Tell your daughter she is beautiful.  Although stressing inward beauty over outward should be the priority, complimenting your daughter on a specific physical characteristic such as her eyes, hair, or even a specific (modest) outfit can really boost her self-esteem and self-image during an insecure time.

3. Model modesty in your own wardrobe. This may seem like a “well duh” point, but it could be harder than it sounds. As an adult woman, it can be easier to bend the modesty rules for ourselves .  But if your 13-year-old sees you walking out the door for date night—even if it’s with your husband— in a dress that breaks the modesty rules you’ve set for her, you lose credibility and may have a harder time winning the next modesty battle with her.

4. Know and explain your motives for modesty. What will you say when your daughter asks you why modesty matters? There are many different answers you can give, but here’s a few to consider. First and foremost, God calls us to modesty and purity. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 says, “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” Now obviously this isn’t God’s way of telling us that we need to stick to ponytails and silver jewelry, but it is pretty clear about the importance of modesty in our role as Christian women. Secondly, how a girl dresses will determine the kind of guys she attracts. Your daughter may think she wants ANY kind of attention, but does she really want it from the guy looking for as much as he can get, as fast as he can get it, from any girl at all? To those kind of guys, it doesn’t matter who a girl is, or even how beautiful she is, as long as he can use her for what he wants.

5. Pray for your daughter daily. If earthly parents want purity for their daughter, how much more does our Father in Heaven want it for ALL of his daughters? So give your daughter all the prayer cover you can—God’s in your corner when it comes to modesty!

Read the full article on crosswindsyouth.org

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Helping Teens Fight Peer Pressure

A few weeks ago Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell  shared some helpful tips on our website about how to fight peer pressure with your child. During your child's teenage years, the people they surround themselves with are going to be some of the most powerful influences on their life, and it's important to be prepared for the fact that they may not always be the best influences!

If you feel that your teen is slipping into some bad relationships, or bad behaviors, take a look at the advice Mark gives on how to help steer them back on the right track.

Build or rebuild your relationship with your child:

o   Have a technology free vacation with your spouse and children
o   Start a hobby that you can do together:  painting, hiking, exercising, etc.
o   Eat dinner together
o   Never accept one word answers
o   Go on a family mission trip
o   Create new memories

Find a way to introduce new friends to the equation:

o   Go to church together
o   Introduce them to the youth pastor
o   Encourage them to participate in a new sport
o   Start a bible study together with them and their friends

Find a way to remove them physically from the influence:

o   Move to a new community
o   Enroll them in a new school
o   Have them attend a church camp

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy