Getting Through the Holidays with a Troubled Teen

If you’re the parent of a troubled teen, the holidays can be some of the most difficult times for your family. Your teen will have a lot of extra free time, which may lead to more trouble, fighting, and pain for your whole family. But there are steps you can take to help your relationship not reach a point of crisis. Here are five suggestions we’ve gathered to help you survive (and hopefully even enjoy!) the holidays with your teen.

1. Create a structure or schedule for your teen’s time off. Having at least one planned activity per day—whether it’s family Christmas tree decorating or some chores around the house—will help fill some of that extra free time that could be spent getting into trouble. If things are too tense with your teen in the house, strongly encourage them to get a holiday job that will fill a few hours of their week. 
2. Be realistic in your expectations about your teen and about yourself. If your teen has been acting out all year, chances are good that things will not suddenly improve over the holidays. Expect that your teen will likely have a bad attitude and cause tension in your family, but don’t let this ruin your enjoyment of the season. Find time to enjoy traditions and time with other family members without focusing on the problems with your teen.  This will help renew your strength to help your teen, and will also show them that you will not allow their behavior to completely steal your joy.
3. Give your teen options. Ask them what their 2-3 favorite holiday traditions are and require that they participate in those. Then allow them to choose whether or not they participate in the others. This will make them feel listened to and respected, and will also help teach the value of compromise. 
4. Be extra vigilant about where your teen is going and how they are getting home. Teen drinking and drinking & driving spikes during the holidays due to more parties, free time, and the possibility of parents having extra alcohol in the house. Decide on a curfew for breaks beforehand and stick to it. Ask other parents to be diligent in ensuring that houses or alcohol are not being used by your teen and their friends for illegal parties. 
5. Set a goal to make a plan for your teen’s treatment by the end of the year. Use the extra time with your teen over the holidays to evaluate if their behavior is worsening or improving.  Then make an informed decision on an appropriate treatment plan for the coming year or, if your teen is already undergoing treatment, any changes to your teen’s therapy. The New Year is a perfect time for a fresh start.

How Do I React If My Child Has No Friends?

Parents who see their kids friendless often feel saddened by the loneliness they feel their child is experiencing. While this is sometimes the experience with kids who struggle socially, it is not universal with friendless children. There are kids who simply see the world from an isolated perspective, and though they say they don’t need friends they may want them. Real friends are vital we all need them and we are designed for a connection with others. Some children struggle to make friends because of their poor social skills others because of developmental delays in either processing or emotional regulation. So what can a parent do to encourage their child who doesn’t seem to make friends?

One of the most important jobs of parents is to support their children. This doesn’t mean coddle them or do things for them, what it does mean is provide a means to help them in the learning process. This may mean physically, as in transporting them from place to place. It may be emotionally, in helping them process interactions with others, or it may be simply to support them spiritually through an active prayer life for your child. When a child’s social skills are not up to the maturity level of their chronological age you can encourage your child by working with them in some simple ways. Help them read facial expression and verbal tones--this is an often assumed skill that children don’t always have. Games are a good way to help your child learn these skills, such as guessing games to help them learn what different facial expressions mean. Next, help your child identify how their actions might affect others. This is helping them with the skill of empathy this is the ability to change your perspective to how another person is feeling. Also help them understand the importance of impulse control. This can be productive when a situation is reviewed in advance to help the child think through the importance of controlling their desires. In social situations this will help the child interact in more positive and controlled ways with their peers.

It will take time and patience to help your child work through something like this. Encouraging your child in activities and opportunities in which they can make connections that lead to friendships is important. Helping them feel comfortable at church can also be a powerful tool in helping your child’s social growth. Church can be a positive and natural way for a child to interact with his/her peers and find the types of relationships that Proverb 18:24 talks about. Part of the verse reads“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” As parents, we are called to pray and lift up our children to The Lord, asking that He may be their most powerful and important friend and allowing all other relationships be a reflection of this vital union.

By Grant Anderson, M.A.

How Do I Know if My Child or Family Needs Counseling?

The decision to seek counseling can be a confusing  and difficult one.  Maybe it’s our preconceived ideas about what “counseling” is.  Or maybe we’re afraid of what getting help may say about us or our parenting abilities.  Let’s clear the air on that, shall we?

What kind of families receive counseling?  Rich families.  Poor families.  Middle-income families.  Christian families. Jewish families.  Atheistic families.  Families with straight-A kids in basketball.  Families with kids who struggle to make C’s.  Families with two parents.  Families with one parent.  Families with stay-at-home moms.  Families in California.  Families in Virginia.  Families in Indiana.  Families in your neighborhood.

Whether people talk about it or not, they’re getting help.  And it doesn’t mean they’re not “normal.”  In fact, when you consider that about 1 in 5 has sought counseling at some time or another, it seems really normal!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the question is how to know if your child or family needs counseling.  Here are a few things to think through:

1. How have the solutions you’ve tried been working?  Are things staying the same or getting worse?  It may be time to talk to a therapist who’s worked with families who have similar issues and find out what’s worked for them.
2. Have you had people suggest counseling for your family, like a trusted friend, pastor, or someone from your child’s school?  That may be confirmation of what you were already thinking or perhaps they’re seeing something you don’t or can’t.
3. Are drugs or alcohol playing a role in your family’s struggles?  These issues can take hold fast and hard in a person’s life—and they’re bigger than we are.  Let someone who has experience in this area help your family sort out where you’re at and what kind of help is available.
4. Is there any physical aggression or fears of physical aggression in your home or child’s life?  Are you concerned that someone in your home may hurt themselves?  This is bigger than you, too.  Ignoring it or thinking it will get better on its own can put you or your child in danger.  Please reach out for help today.

Some final thoughts … if you are still wrestling with the question of whether or not to seek counseling, the answer is probably, “yes.”  Something—the burden you’re carrying, the leading of the Holy Spirit, the needs of your child—has led you this far.  You owe it to yourself and to your family to at least make a phone call to learn what help and support are available. 

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

How Much Do You Love Them?

The more I work with families, the more I am surprised by what I learn. I often hear moms or dads tell me how much they love their children, and that they would be willing to do anything to help them. Unfortunately, sometimes what I observe is completely the opposite of true sacrificial love.  I will give you some examples and let you be the judge.

•  A child is struggling with a pornography  addiction, but a parent refuses to have their child speak to their youth pastor because they are embarrassed that this has been going on in their home.

•  A teenage boy has no job, but always seems to have cash available to go to the movies and buy the latest electronic gadget. His parents never ask how or where he is getting his funds, because they are struggling financially and know they could never afford to give him the things he wants.

•  A child is questioning his/her faith because of what they are hearing from peers or teachers, but the parents don’t make time to go to church or youth group because their weekends are reserved for the lake.

• A young man is an incredible football player and is caught selling drugs for the second time. The parents fail to enforce the rules laid out the first time he was caught, because they are afraid it will cost him his scholarship.

Each of these examples comes from a real discussion I had with the parents of a child who is struggling. The common denominator in each of these situations is that the parents must choose between what is best for their child or what is convenient.

How much do you love your family?  Enough to do whatever is necessary?

By Mark Terrell, CEO