How Do I Talk to My Child About Sex, Drugs, Abuse, and Other Tough Topics?

This blog was originally posted on crosswindsyouth.org

These topics are some of the most difficult topics of life to talk about with our children.  There are many factors that contribute to this difficulty.  First, the topics are issues that we as parents do not even want our children to know about let alone talk with them about it.  In addition, some parents feel that talking about them will introduce the idea to their child.  Know that this is just not the case.  Chances are your preteen or teenager has already been exposed to or at least heard other peers talk about these issues.  In addition, not talking about them just causes addition curiosity for something that they heard about, but do not understand.  It is better for them to have the facts from a reliable source, such as yourself, than for them to seek understanding from unreliable sources or experimentation. 

Secondly, some of these topics are embarrassing.  You may be the exception, but chances are when you think back to “the talk” with your parent(s), it was awkward at best.  Do you with that you had a sensitive caring parent that would and did talk openly with you about the most difficult issues?  Someone that you could ask anything and know that they would be open and honest with you without the feelings of awkwardness.  Every child wants a relationship like this and though these talks will probably always have an element of awkwardness to them, these talks can create a closeness and openness between a child and their parent.  The finally reason why these talks are so difficult for some parents is that parents love their children and want what is best for them.  They have a life for their child in their mind and it is often the perfect life void of all difficulty and full of successes.  However, the flip side of this desire for a great life for their child is that at times it causes the parent to deny any difficulties or the possibilities of difficulties.  They protect this idea of the perfect life for their child by denying that anything like the issues of sex, drugs, or abuse could happen to their child.  They don’t want to know if their child is involved because it would break the façade of the parent’s dream life for their child.  If a child is truly struggling in one of these areas, ignoring it will only makes matters worse.  The longer the child participates in this sinful behavior the larger the potential consequences can be. 

One final thought.  The absolute key in talking with your child about these difficult topics is that you have a relationship of openness, transparency, and truthfulness to begin with.  Taking the time to talk regularly with your child, without condemnation or judgmental attitude, but rather listening and gentling guiding will establish a relationship that will make the discussion of these topics much easier.  Remember Deut. 6:4-9 states that we need to be teaching about God and how to love him well to our children.  We do this by talking about life with our children at a real and deep level in order to help them to navigate through a difficult and sinful work and helping them strive for a life that is glorifying and honoring to God.

Rick Deboest  has worked with troubled youth for over ten years. He currently holds a Masters degree in Counseling and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He  oversees the counseling and case management services for all Lifeline Youth & Family Services residential programs.

Why Care About My Teen's Love Language?

It is common knowledge that I am probably the worst Spanish student that the world has ever known.  I find it ironic that I now run an organization that is in a Spanish speaking country.  I’m sure that my Spanish speaking employees love listening to my broken Spanish and especially like my hand signals and gestures that I use to get my point across.  

Not unlike my visits to the Dominican Republic I often think that my family speaks a different language and in fact they do.  Not only do they speak a different language I get the very same blank stares that I receive as I speak to my Spanish speaking staff.

In the book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about the fact that each of us has a different love languages:  “physical touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, time and attention, and gift giving.  He describes the fact that each of us has one of these love languages and the importance of knowing our families love language and the importance of knowing our own love language.

How do you know which love language you have?  Simply put, it is the one that you find yourself giving to others.  

For example my wife loves to clean the garage for me (Acts of Service) and I love to tell my wife how beautiful she is (Words of encouragement).  She is telling me that she loves me by cleaning the garage when all I want is to tell her that I am a great provider, and I am telling her that I love her by paying her a compliment when all she wants me to do is clean the garage.  

Unfortunately, what results from this misunderstanding is that I simply walk through the garage not noticing or appreciating all of her hard work or she will simply rebuff my compliment by telling me she hasn’t washed her hair in two days.  We are each trying to tell the other one that we love them but we are doing it in a way that neither of us understands or appreciates.  This situation over time will result in bitterness and confusion which can and will an adverse affect on our marriage.

This same lack of understanding can take a toll on our children as well.   For instance if your daughter’s love language is physical touch and you and your spouse never fill that need she will find a way to fill that void in a way that is harmful to her. 

We should care to know each of our families love languages so that they will know that they are truly loved and cared for.  If not we risk seeing blanks stares from those we love the most.

Learn your own love language and help your teen discover theirs by taking the Love Language Profile. 


By Mark Terrell, CEO

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

Parenting a Teen in the Age of Social Media

If you're the parent of a teen, the words "social media" might give you a pit in your stomach as your mind immediately jumps to all of the horrible stories you have read about the dangers of this exponentially growing industry that your kids understand so much more than you do. But social media, like any new technology, is not inherently bad. In fact, it is arguably an important skill for your child to learn as it will no doubt become relevant in their future lives. Social media has become an industry, not to mention a critical part of most business strategies, so consider that chances are good that being social media savvy could very well benefit your child's career.

But on the flip side, if not used responsibly, it could greatly damage their career, relationships, and even safety. So what can parents do to teach teens how to use a powerful tool they may not understand themselves? A few suggestions:


Be aware: Know exactly what social media sites your teen uses, and make it your business to at least learn the basics of those same sites. Create a profile on each of the sites and, even if you never post anything yourself, use it to keep tabs on what they are posting. Let your teen know you will be keeping tabs on what they post and require them to accept you as a friend or follower. This establishes that principle that they shouldn't be posting anything they would not want you seeing.

Determine specific age privileges: There are certain ages where teens simply don't yet have the maturity to be solely responsible for the power social media provides. Talk with your spouse and agree on levels of privileges for each age. For example, your child can create a social media account when they are 13 but must give you the login and password. When they turn 14, you will not log in anymore, but will still check their profile, etc. 

Reward responsibility: If your teen proves themselves to be responsible with a Facebook account for a set amount of time, allow them to also get a Twitter. Conversely, if they post inappropriate pictures, words, etc. on one social media account, let them know ahead of time that this will result in a waiting period before they can create more accounts. 

Understand the identity issues: Parents often don't understand how much a teen's identity can become wrapped up in the number of friends, followers, likes, and comments a teen has on a specific social media account. In their minds, popularity is now quantifiable and public, and can take an enormous toll on self-esteem if the numbers aren't high enough. Don't shrug it off if your teen gets upset about the low number of likes they got on a picture. Use it as an opportunity to talk with them about identity. Sympathize with their struggle, but also explain the lack of real value in these numbers that seem so important in the moment.

Tell them the horror stories: If you read a story about an old inappropriate picture costing a prospective employee job, or  a man being arrested for uploading a video where he pretending to drink and drive , casually mention it to your teen. It doesn't need to be a long lecture about the evils of social media, but letting your teen know about real consequences for things posted will stick with them. Then maybe they'll think twice before posting that status about drinking or drugs that to them was a joke, but could have very real consequences.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Reacting to Your Teen & Therapeutic Crisis Intervention

If you are the parent of a teen, chances are pretty good that you will be gifted with the opportunity to confront disrespect or anger from your child. The natural response is to react with anger, frustration, yelling, or hurtful words. This is our tendency as human beings, and can feel like an effective defense mechanism.

But however "good" it may feel in the moment, reacting out of emotion will not only escalate the situation, but will also cause you to miss a crucial moment to teach your teen. When your teen is experiencing intense emotions, they may be physically unable to think clearly; this means that any lessons you attempt to teach them in the moment will be lost.  Your goal in an explosive situation of disrespect should be to de-escalate the emotion, giving you the opportunity to have a rational conversation with your teen. But that's easier said than done, right?

This is where a method called Therapeutic Crisis Intervention comes in. Therapeutic Crisis Intervention was developed by Cornell University, and focuses on de-escalating an explosive emotional situation. Many of our staff at Caribbean Mountain Academy have received formal training on Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. As a parent, try using the following first step of this method to control your own reaction. Before reacting, ask yourself these four questions:

1. What am I feeling?
2. What does my child feel, need, or want?
3. How is the environment affecting my child?
4. How do I best respond? 

Giving yourself even two minutes to consider these questions will allow you to respond in love, rather than in anger. After that, you can use an appropriate response from the Therapeutic Crisis Intervention method, such as gently helping them through a frustrating task, giving them space, or redirecting their attention to something else. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Five Tips for Talking with Your Teen

Does it ever seem like you and your teen are talking different languages or not talking at all? You may find these tips helpful in bridging the communication gap.

1. Chat with your child. If communicating has been lacking in your relationship, chatting with your child is a good way to start again.  Making small talk, without being critical, creates a non-threatening environment for kids to express themselves.

2. Remember that a teen’s behavior is sometimes their language.  However, it’s best to ask, rather than assume, what they are trying to say non-verbally.

3. Eating is a social activity that can create a positive environment and time to talk your child about their day.  Establish this habit early in your family.

4. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child and make it a special time alone with each parent.  Since each child-parent relationship is unique, it a great opportunity to grow relationships.

5. Be sure to engage in equal sharing time versus probing into your teen’s thoughts and feelings.  Sharing builds intimacy and trust.  

      What methods have worked for you in communicating with your teen? 

      By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services