Where Can I Get Help for My Struggling Teen?

Once you’ve decided to take the next step and get help for you and your family, where do you turn? Before you reach out, you may want to take a minute to think about what’s important to you in a counselor or agency. For example, is it important for you to have counseling that is biblically-based? Are you looking for a counselor/organization with experience, credentials, or both? What type of setting do you think would be the most comfortable for you and your family?

Here are a few suggestions to help you connect with the appropriate resources:

• Talk to your pastor or contact a local church. If you attend a local church, your pastor may know of qualified professionals in the area who have been successful in working with families like yours. If you’re not part of a church, many churches welcome the opportunity to meet with families from the surrounding community to answer questions and offer support.

• Talk with a trusted friend of family member. Often when we’re looking for a new doctor, real estate agent, babysitter, or other type of service professional, we turn to those whom we trust. Have they been through something similar or do they know of someone who has? If so, who did they connect with and was it helpful?

• Contact a referral network or helpline. Some communities have referral networks that provide families with a list of options to look into or national networks, like Focus on the Family, can suggest resources in your area, as well. Another option would be to contact a “one-stop” helpline organization like Crosswinds, who can provide guidance and support for families nationwide, either over the telephone, in your home, through their programs, or through resources right in your community.

Suggested Resources:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/

Crosswinds, Inc. (855) 927-7963, http://www.crosswindsyouth.org/

The Value of Family

A few years ago while on vacation with my family, I began a discussion with my wife and children about what it really meant to value family, in the way God intended. I asked them if they thought families that were struggling ever meant to be in that situation, or did it happen gradually without them realizing it ? I also asked if that thought that families that are close to each and to God got there by accident or was it through intentionality and hard work?

The conversation was quite lively and it was determined that we needed to be much more intentional about where our family was going if we were going to continue valuing each other and God.

We talked about the fact that each of us would face difficulties in the future and that we needed to begin to be there for each other. We talked about the fact that we would always make that a priority, even when others conveniently walked away. We talked about the value of talking with each other regularly, whether through calling, texting or emailing, to encourage and chastise one other if needed.

One of my favorite moments after that day was when one of my sons called me to let me know that he had read something that one of his siblings' had posted on Facebook that was not Christlike.  But he then told me that he had, in his words, “handled it”. I asked what it meant to handle it. He said that he called his brother to let him know he had read the Facebook post, and that he needed to erase the entry. He also said he would “kick his butt” if he saw something like that again. 

Some people might question the logic of this moment, but I saw it as a moment of our family coming together in a small way that would serve as a model for the future, when the issue might be much more severe. Issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, work ethic, honesty and personal faith are now the responsibility of each member of our family. Accountability alone will not ensure that your family will always value each other and God, but it is a great way to start. 

By Mark Terrell, CEO

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

Help! My Teenager is a Bully

Bullying has garnered a lot of national attention in recent years. The consequences of bullying can be traumatizing. It can have negative effect on a teenager’s mental health including depression, anxiety, and in worst cases, suicide. While many parents worry that their teenager is getting bullied, there are many parents out there who worry about the exact opposite; their son or daughter may be bullying others.

Knowing that your child has inflicted undue harm on another person can be an incredible emotional
experience. You may question your parenting skills and/or feel tremendous guilt. Many parents may fall into the denial trap and fail to address the issue. How can you identify that your teen is engaging in bullying behavior and what can you do to correct this?

What is bullying?

Remember that bullying is not limited to physical violence. Verbal abuses such as name calling or teasing fall under the realm of bullying as well. Social abuses such as starting false rumors or purposeful social exclusion is also a form of bullying. In fact, StopBullying.gov defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attaching someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.”

Common characteristics of teens who bully

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Are prone to physical confrontations
• Are overly concerned about their social standing (popularity)
• Have trouble following rules
• Have aggressive friends
• Lack empathy
• Vandalize property
• Drink alcohol, do drugs, or smoke

What can I do to stop my teen from bullying others?

The nature of bullying can make it very difficult to address your children’s bullying. In many cases, the teenagers are aggressive and hot headed so approaching the topic can be challenging. Despite the challenge, it is important to have several conversations with your teen about the issue.

Try these 5 tips:

1. Clear rules with clear consequences: Explain to your teenager the potential effects of bullying and why it will not be tolerated. Define what actions will receive punishment and what those punishments will be. 
2. Be a role model: Teenagers learn from the actions of adults. Treat others with respect and courtesy. Be conscience about how you speak to others around your teenager. It starts at home.
3. Get the school involved: Talk to your teenager’s teacher or principle about your goal to correct your teenager’s bullying. Have them contact you for even minor infractions and hold your teenager accountable. 
4. Be involved in your child’s social life: What are your teen’s friends like? What kind of pressure is your teen under at school? Does peer pressure play a role? Monitor their social media accounts for signs of cyber bullying. 
5. Get help: Parents can sometimes feel powerless to help their teens. Nothing seems to work and your teenager isn’t responding. Talk to your teenager about seeing an adolescent counselor. If they won’t go, consider speaking to a counselor yourself. Counselors can help you develop effective parenting techniques. 

By Miguel Brown
Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

How Much Do You Love Them?

The more I work with families, the more I am surprised by what I learn. I often hear moms or dads tell me how much they love their children, and that they would be willing to do anything to help them. Unfortunately, sometimes what I observe is completely the opposite of true sacrificial love.  I will give you some examples and let you be the judge.

•  A child is struggling with a pornography  addiction, but a parent refuses to have their child speak to their youth pastor because they are embarrassed that this has been going on in their home.

•  A teenage boy has no job, but always seems to have cash available to go to the movies and buy the latest electronic gadget. His parents never ask how or where he is getting his funds, because they are struggling financially and know they could never afford to give him the things he wants.

•  A child is questioning his/her faith because of what they are hearing from peers or teachers, but the parents don’t make time to go to church or youth group because their weekends are reserved for the lake.

• A young man is an incredible football player and is caught selling drugs for the second time. The parents fail to enforce the rules laid out the first time he was caught, because they are afraid it will cost him his scholarship.

Each of these examples comes from a real discussion I had with the parents of a child who is struggling. The common denominator in each of these situations is that the parents must choose between what is best for their child or what is convenient.

How much do you love your family?  Enough to do whatever is necessary?

By Mark Terrell, CEO