Reading List: Books for Parents of a Rebellious Teen

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ or willful rebellion against everything you have taught them are some of the most painful things you can endure. Whether your child is rejecting your belief system, values, or a relationship with you, navigating your way towards a loving response is never easy. But in your role as a parent, God has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin.

If you are facing this painful situation, don’t lose hope. We serve a God of hope and redemption, who delights in giving us all second chances. In the meantime, here are a few books you may find helpful to read for ideas on how to lovingly engage with them.

1. The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

A seasoned journalist chases down the biggest story in history--is there credible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth really is the Son of God?  Retracing his own spiritual journey from atheism to faith, Lee Strobel, former legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, cross-examines a dozen experts with doctorates from schools like Cambridge, Princeton, and Brandeis who are recognized authorities in their own fields. Strobel challenges them with questions like: How reliable is the New Testament? Does evidence for Jesus exist outside the Bible? Is there any reason to believe the resurrection was an actual event? Strobel's tough, point-blank questions make this Gold Medallion-winning book read like a captivating, fast-paced novel. But it's not fiction. It's a riveting quest for the truth about history's most compelling figure.

2. God's Remedy for Rejection by Derek Prince

Rejection is an all too common experience, but it can cause permanent spiritual wounds. Author Derek Prince shows how rejection is the root of many problems, such as substance abuse, difficulty with relationships, rebellion, and depression. In our society, millions of people have experienced rejection. God has made a way to heal your wounds of rejection and bring you into acceptance with Himself and the whole family of God. Discover how to apply God's Remedy for Rejection to your heart, and you can leave the effects of rejection behind permanently.

3. Engaging Today's Prodigal: Clear Thinking, New Approaches, and Reasonsfor Hope by Carol Barnier

Many families today experience the profound guilt and shame filled pain of seeing a child walk away from their faith and values. Churches and parents feel powerless to change the relationship and engage the prodigal in positive ways. Carol Barnier has the insight to help. She left the faith of her pastor father, became an active atheist, debated Christians, and explored a variety of worldviews before she found the truth in a relationship with Jesus.  But far more than her personal story, Engaging Today's Prodigal equips readers with a better understanding of a prodigal's motivation, useful responses that won't prevent reconciliation, clear boundaries to protect themselves and other children, actions to take when you know you have contributed to the problem, and the value of realistic expectations. With effective wit and humor, Carol provides material relevant for churches, parents and even the prodigals themselves.  Can your family or church interact with a prodigal in ways that build a relationship bridge that can provide a way back home when they are ready? Let Engaging Today's Prodigal equip you with clear, specific actions that can overcome the shame, hurt, and loss to bring real hope for the future.

4. Do Hard Things: A TeenageRebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex and Brett Harris

A generation stands on the brink of a "rebelution." A growing movement of young people is rebelling against the low expectations of today's culture by choosing to "do hard things" for the glory of God and Alex and Brett Harris are leading the charge.  Do Hard Things is the Harris twins' revolutionary message in its purest and most compelling form, giving readers a tangible glimpse of what is possible for teens who actively resist cultural lies that limit their potential. Combating the idea of adolescence as a vacation from responsibility, the authors weave together biblical insights, history, and modern examples to redefine the teen years as the launching pad of life.  Then they map out five powerful ways teens can respond for personal and social change.  Written by teens for teens, Do Hard Things is packed with humorous personal anecdotes, practical examples, and stories of real-life rebelutionaries in action. This rallying cry from the heart of an already-happening teen revolution challenges a generation to lay claim to a brighter future, starting today.

5. “What's Happening To My Teen?  Uncovering the Sources of Rebellion by Mark Gregston 

More often than not, teens who behave inappropriately are not rebelling; they're just responding the best way they know how to life's challenges. In What's Happening to My Teen?, youth specialist Mark Gregston contends that all too often parents spend so much time correcting their teen that they forget the teen's greater need for connection. If parents spent more time trying to understand rather than trying to change behavior, they would see a transformation in their teen's attitudes and actions.  What's Happening to My Teen? offers wise counsel that will help parents of teens succeed at one of the most difficult tasks they've ever encountered. As they draw from Gregston's expertise, parents will become better equipped to:  respond constructively to the inevitable conflict, recognize when their teen's behavior is rebellion and when it's not, avoid words and actions that provoke their teen and create a safe environment that promotes truth and open communication.  For parents concerned about their teen's behavior, this book provides the scriptural insight and the skills they need to see their family thrive during those challenging teen years.

6. Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen: Successfully Parenting a Defiant Teenager Without Giving Up or Giving In by Jimmy Myers

Defiant, out-of-control teenagers are holding families hostage to their selfish demands. It would be easy to judge the parents of these teens as ineffective and even easier to label the kids as bad seeds, the symbols of a self-centered generation. But the truth is that even solid, Christ focused families are not immune to the turmoil created by rebellious teenagers. Every day, family counselors across the country see well-intentioned parents who are driven to their wits end by the daily struggle against their children's unmanageable behavior, desperate for a shred of hope that things can change. They also see teenagers whose lives hold great promise, but who need help navigating their way to maturity. In Toe-to-Toe with Your Teen, Dr. Jimmy Myers offers fresh hope to disheartened parents who are doubtful that they can make a difference in their teen's life. He lays out proven, specific strategies to help parents put a stop to unruly behavior, exert their God given authority and parent their teen to success.

The Value of Family

A few years ago while on vacation with my family, I began a discussion with my wife and children about what it really meant to value family, in the way God intended. I asked them if they thought families that were struggling ever meant to be in that situation, or did it happen gradually without them realizing it ? I also asked if that thought that families that are close to each and to God got there by accident or was it through intentionality and hard work?

The conversation was quite lively and it was determined that we needed to be much more intentional about where our family was going if we were going to continue valuing each other and God.

We talked about the fact that each of us would face difficulties in the future and that we needed to begin to be there for each other. We talked about the fact that we would always make that a priority, even when others conveniently walked away. We talked about the value of talking with each other regularly, whether through calling, texting or emailing, to encourage and chastise one other if needed.

One of my favorite moments after that day was when one of my sons called me to let me know that he had read something that one of his siblings' had posted on Facebook that was not Christlike.  But he then told me that he had, in his words, “handled it”. I asked what it meant to handle it. He said that he called his brother to let him know he had read the Facebook post, and that he needed to erase the entry. He also said he would “kick his butt” if he saw something like that again. 

Some people might question the logic of this moment, but I saw it as a moment of our family coming together in a small way that would serve as a model for the future, when the issue might be much more severe. Issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, work ethic, honesty and personal faith are now the responsibility of each member of our family. Accountability alone will not ensure that your family will always value each other and God, but it is a great way to start. 

By Mark Terrell, CEO

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

• Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

•  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

•  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

• Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

• Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

• Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

• Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)

How Can I Be a Spiritual Leader to My Teen?

Who is the primary spiritual leader of your teen? Who do they look to as a role model? Youth pastors, mentors, and small group leaders are certainly important for a teen to look to for advice, but the Bible is very clear that spiritual leadership should fall primarily on the shoulders of the parent.

Easy, right? Not quite. The concept of "spiritual leadership" can feel like a hard one to grasp. How often should I pray with my family? What parts of the Bible should I encourage them to read? Should I require my kids to be involved in their youth group? What about mission trips? While these are good questions to consider and pray about, spiritual leadership can't be achieved through any standard formula. It's a lifestyle – a way of talking, thinking and behaving.  

Dave Long, our Vice President of Operations, said it this way, "Quite simply, leadership is modeling what you expect of others.  If you’re a father who values hard work, you’re willing to mow the yard, clean up after dinner, and maintain employment.  If you’re a mother who values communication, you’re willing to listen, engage in conversation, and share information in a mature manner. And if parents act to the contrary, expect contrary results from your children."

When it comes to teens, this is especially true. If you want to encourage your teen to commit time daily to devotions, make it a point to spend 20 minutes in the morning or evening, or whenever your teen is around, reading your Bible in the living room.  If you want them to stop watching inappropriate movies, don't let them see you watching something you shouldn't...even if it seems "harmless" for an adult.

We're all sinful people, so naturally leading by example is no easy task. But even if you don't see results right away, things your teen sees and hears you do consistently will strongly shape the way they view faith. It's a big responsibility, but definitely one worth working at.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy