Why are Girls Mean to Each Other by Debra Beck

As a new school year begins your teen daughter may come home with some stories of other girls being pretty mean. Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck talks about some tips to give your teen or preteen daughter who may be facing unhealthy friendships.

Are Girls Just Being Mean or is it a Sign of Bullying? 

Have you notice the difference between how girls treat each other as an opposed to how boys treat each other?  Girl’s insecurities prevent them from having really close relationships with most girls.  When I talk to teenage girl’s it seems to be the one topic that causes girl’s the most anxiety.  It comes up time and time again how they have to adjust their personality, walk on egg shells, not voice their feelings, so they don’t get shunned and have vicious rumors spread about them from other girl’s.

I remember teenage girl’s being snotty, but not vicious.

One question that came up in one of my girl’s circle was “ I have this sort-of friend, that is my friend one week and then the she is someone else’s best friend the next week. She really doesn’t treat me well, but if I tell her why I don’t want to be her friend, she will shun me and spread vicious rumors that aren’t true and ruin my reputation. How do I walk away from unhealthy relationships without those consequences?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself from unhealthy friendships:

1. Be yourself, set good boundaries around the way your friends treat you. If you are hanging around with mean girls, ask yourself why?  It could be that your self-esteem needs some attention.
2. Start saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.  It automatically makes you feel better about who you are. 
3. Eliminating those girls, it leaves room for better friends to come in.  Don’t be afraid to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she is treating you. If her response is something to the effect of “what ever, get over it” ask yourself if you want a friend that doesn’t care about your feeling…Probably not!
4. The more you take care of yourself, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and start making better decisions for yourself, and you will start attracting friends that treat you better. 
5. And last but not least, make sure you’re not a mean girl.  If you are treating other girls poorly, ask yourself, “If I was in her shoes would I like being treated that way.”  If not, see how you can change your actions to be a better friend.

We are a sisterhood and girls need to start treating each other with kindness. Look at how you treat other girls. Are you shunning any girls? Are you spreading rumors about other girls? Are you just joining in when others talk badly about other people? That’s just as bad, by the way! Start looking at your behavior around how you treat others. If you treat others poorly, it’s going to be tough to bring in friends that treat you well.

For the next few weeks start looking at your current relationships, and make some healthy choices in the friend department.  Ask yourself a question regarding each friend. Is this a friendship that is making me feel good, and do I deserve more. Also ask yourself am I the type of friend that I would want to have?  Be really honest with yourself.  Be the friend you want as a friend.

Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author.  She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the “Empowered Teens and Parents” newsletter, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence.  Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem.  Her award-winning book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.

Help! My Teenager is a Bully

Bullying has garnered a lot of national attention in recent years. The consequences of bullying can be traumatizing. It can have negative effect on a teenager’s mental health including depression, anxiety, and in worst cases, suicide. While many parents worry that their teenager is getting bullied, there are many parents out there who worry about the exact opposite; their son or daughter may be bullying others.

Knowing that your child has inflicted undue harm on another person can be an incredible emotional
experience. You may question your parenting skills and/or feel tremendous guilt. Many parents may fall into the denial trap and fail to address the issue. How can you identify that your teen is engaging in bullying behavior and what can you do to correct this?

What is bullying?

Remember that bullying is not limited to physical violence. Verbal abuses such as name calling or teasing fall under the realm of bullying as well. Social abuses such as starting false rumors or purposeful social exclusion is also a form of bullying. In fact, StopBullying.gov defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attaching someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.”

Common characteristics of teens who bully

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Are prone to physical confrontations
• Are overly concerned about their social standing (popularity)
• Have trouble following rules
• Have aggressive friends
• Lack empathy
• Vandalize property
• Drink alcohol, do drugs, or smoke

What can I do to stop my teen from bullying others?

The nature of bullying can make it very difficult to address your children’s bullying. In many cases, the teenagers are aggressive and hot headed so approaching the topic can be challenging. Despite the challenge, it is important to have several conversations with your teen about the issue.

Try these 5 tips:

1. Clear rules with clear consequences: Explain to your teenager the potential effects of bullying and why it will not be tolerated. Define what actions will receive punishment and what those punishments will be. 
2. Be a role model: Teenagers learn from the actions of adults. Treat others with respect and courtesy. Be conscience about how you speak to others around your teenager. It starts at home.
3. Get the school involved: Talk to your teenager’s teacher or principle about your goal to correct your teenager’s bullying. Have them contact you for even minor infractions and hold your teenager accountable. 
4. Be involved in your child’s social life: What are your teen’s friends like? What kind of pressure is your teen under at school? Does peer pressure play a role? Monitor their social media accounts for signs of cyber bullying. 
5. Get help: Parents can sometimes feel powerless to help their teens. Nothing seems to work and your teenager isn’t responding. Talk to your teenager about seeing an adolescent counselor. If they won’t go, consider speaking to a counselor yourself. Counselors can help you develop effective parenting techniques. 

By Miguel Brown
Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.