Where Can I Get Help for My Struggling Teen?

Once you’ve decided to take the next step and get help for you and your family, where do you turn? Before you reach out, you may want to take a minute to think about what’s important to you in a counselor or agency. For example, is it important for you to have counseling that is biblically-based? Are you looking for a counselor/organization with experience, credentials, or both? What type of setting do you think would be the most comfortable for you and your family?

Here are a few suggestions to help you connect with the appropriate resources:

• Talk to your pastor or contact a local church. If you attend a local church, your pastor may know of qualified professionals in the area who have been successful in working with families like yours. If you’re not part of a church, many churches welcome the opportunity to meet with families from the surrounding community to answer questions and offer support.

• Talk with a trusted friend of family member. Often when we’re looking for a new doctor, real estate agent, babysitter, or other type of service professional, we turn to those whom we trust. Have they been through something similar or do they know of someone who has? If so, who did they connect with and was it helpful?

• Contact a referral network or helpline. Some communities have referral networks that provide families with a list of options to look into or national networks, like Focus on the Family, can suggest resources in your area, as well. Another option would be to contact a “one-stop” helpline organization like Crosswinds, who can provide guidance and support for families nationwide, either over the telephone, in your home, through their programs, or through resources right in your community.

Suggested Resources:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/

Crosswinds, Inc. (855) 927-7963, http://www.crosswindsyouth.org/

How Do I Know if My Child or Family Needs Counseling?

The decision to seek counseling can be a confusing  and difficult one.  Maybe it’s our preconceived ideas about what “counseling” is.  Or maybe we’re afraid of what getting help may say about us or our parenting abilities.  Let’s clear the air on that, shall we?

What kind of families receive counseling?  Rich families.  Poor families.  Middle-income families.  Christian families. Jewish families.  Atheistic families.  Families with straight-A kids in basketball.  Families with kids who struggle to make C’s.  Families with two parents.  Families with one parent.  Families with stay-at-home moms.  Families in California.  Families in Virginia.  Families in Indiana.  Families in your neighborhood.

Whether people talk about it or not, they’re getting help.  And it doesn’t mean they’re not “normal.”  In fact, when you consider that about 1 in 5 has sought counseling at some time or another, it seems really normal!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the question is how to know if your child or family needs counseling.  Here are a few things to think through:

1. How have the solutions you’ve tried been working?  Are things staying the same or getting worse?  It may be time to talk to a therapist who’s worked with families who have similar issues and find out what’s worked for them.
2. Have you had people suggest counseling for your family, like a trusted friend, pastor, or someone from your child’s school?  That may be confirmation of what you were already thinking or perhaps they’re seeing something you don’t or can’t.
3. Are drugs or alcohol playing a role in your family’s struggles?  These issues can take hold fast and hard in a person’s life—and they’re bigger than we are.  Let someone who has experience in this area help your family sort out where you’re at and what kind of help is available.
4. Is there any physical aggression or fears of physical aggression in your home or child’s life?  Are you concerned that someone in your home may hurt themselves?  This is bigger than you, too.  Ignoring it or thinking it will get better on its own can put you or your child in danger.  Please reach out for help today.

Some final thoughts … if you are still wrestling with the question of whether or not to seek counseling, the answer is probably, “yes.”  Something—the burden you’re carrying, the leading of the Holy Spirit, the needs of your child—has led you this far.  You owe it to yourself and to your family to at least make a phone call to learn what help and support are available. 

Preparing to Communicate with a Troubled Teen

As your sweet, innocent child becomes a teenager, it is quite likely they will lose much of that sweetness and innocence, leaving you confused and frustrated. It's hard to know exactly how often and how much your child will rebel or struggle during their teen years, but developing a habit of healthy communication early on will help you as a parent be more prepared for whatever struggles you face with your teen. 

Never speak out of emotion.  Emotion is your enemy in communication.  Always pause before you respond, pray, and consider the right words with the right demeanor and tone.  How you respond can alter not only the direction of the conversation, but also a child’s future.  The bible gives this advice “¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).”  If you find that you or your child are simply too emotional to rationally communicate, give yourselves some time and space to process.  Once the emotion of the moment has receded, try again.  If communication again becomes too emotional, consider bringing in a 3^rd party whom you both trust to mediate the conversation.  In some instances, it may be best to seek professional counseling to communicate.  Remember, whatever it takes, you must keep communication channels open.  Lack of communication, in any relationship, leads to a broken relationship.  Do what you must to communicate with your teen. 

As you communicate with your child, ask curious questions.  Don’t talk AT your teen; talk WITH them.  Let them know it’s okay to struggle in life – that it’s human.  Let them know that you have struggles as well.  Empower your teen by asking them what they think about a situation.  Ask them to think of possible solutions.  This helps them process, keeps you both engaged, and allows you a voice of guidance without demanding direction.  As teenagers grow, so does their desire for independence.  It is quite surprising how well teens are able to process and develop plans for improved behavior if given time and power to do so. 

Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your teen’s reaction.  Speak the truth to them, in love, but speak truth.  You do them a great disservice if you are afraid of hurting their feelings by speaking the truth.  Many have stated that sometimes “the truth hurts.”  This is a fact.  However, the opposite is also true and is much more damaging, “avoidance of pain only brings more pain.”  If you avoid telling your child the truth about their behavior; if you avoid disciplining your child; if you sugar-coat a potentially damaging circumstance or behavior, you will only inflict more pain on your child and your family.  

The following statement is also true, “avoidance of communication with your child will yield the pain of a distrust, isolation, and drive them to others whom they feel will listen and understand them.”  And often, those whom they seek out for communication, for acceptance, - those with whom they form relationships, are those who will negatively influence them.  Make time for you teen so you are who they go to for advice. 

By Scott Taylor, Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

Help! My Teenager is a Bully

Bullying has garnered a lot of national attention in recent years. The consequences of bullying can be traumatizing. It can have negative effect on a teenager’s mental health including depression, anxiety, and in worst cases, suicide. While many parents worry that their teenager is getting bullied, there are many parents out there who worry about the exact opposite; their son or daughter may be bullying others.

Knowing that your child has inflicted undue harm on another person can be an incredible emotional
experience. You may question your parenting skills and/or feel tremendous guilt. Many parents may fall into the denial trap and fail to address the issue. How can you identify that your teen is engaging in bullying behavior and what can you do to correct this?

What is bullying?

Remember that bullying is not limited to physical violence. Verbal abuses such as name calling or teasing fall under the realm of bullying as well. Social abuses such as starting false rumors or purposeful social exclusion is also a form of bullying. In fact, StopBullying.gov defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attaching someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.”

Common characteristics of teens who bully

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Are prone to physical confrontations
• Are overly concerned about their social standing (popularity)
• Have trouble following rules
• Have aggressive friends
• Lack empathy
• Vandalize property
• Drink alcohol, do drugs, or smoke

What can I do to stop my teen from bullying others?

The nature of bullying can make it very difficult to address your children’s bullying. In many cases, the teenagers are aggressive and hot headed so approaching the topic can be challenging. Despite the challenge, it is important to have several conversations with your teen about the issue.

Try these 5 tips:

1. Clear rules with clear consequences: Explain to your teenager the potential effects of bullying and why it will not be tolerated. Define what actions will receive punishment and what those punishments will be. 
2. Be a role model: Teenagers learn from the actions of adults. Treat others with respect and courtesy. Be conscience about how you speak to others around your teenager. It starts at home.
3. Get the school involved: Talk to your teenager’s teacher or principle about your goal to correct your teenager’s bullying. Have them contact you for even minor infractions and hold your teenager accountable. 
4. Be involved in your child’s social life: What are your teen’s friends like? What kind of pressure is your teen under at school? Does peer pressure play a role? Monitor their social media accounts for signs of cyber bullying. 
5. Get help: Parents can sometimes feel powerless to help their teens. Nothing seems to work and your teenager isn’t responding. Talk to your teenager about seeing an adolescent counselor. If they won’t go, consider speaking to a counselor yourself. Counselors can help you develop effective parenting techniques. 

By Miguel Brown
Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

How Much Do You Love Them?

The more I work with families, the more I am surprised by what I learn. I often hear moms or dads tell me how much they love their children, and that they would be willing to do anything to help them. Unfortunately, sometimes what I observe is completely the opposite of true sacrificial love.  I will give you some examples and let you be the judge.

•  A child is struggling with a pornography  addiction, but a parent refuses to have their child speak to their youth pastor because they are embarrassed that this has been going on in their home.

•  A teenage boy has no job, but always seems to have cash available to go to the movies and buy the latest electronic gadget. His parents never ask how or where he is getting his funds, because they are struggling financially and know they could never afford to give him the things he wants.

•  A child is questioning his/her faith because of what they are hearing from peers or teachers, but the parents don’t make time to go to church or youth group because their weekends are reserved for the lake.

• A young man is an incredible football player and is caught selling drugs for the second time. The parents fail to enforce the rules laid out the first time he was caught, because they are afraid it will cost him his scholarship.

Each of these examples comes from a real discussion I had with the parents of a child who is struggling. The common denominator in each of these situations is that the parents must choose between what is best for their child or what is convenient.

How much do you love your family?  Enough to do whatever is necessary?

By Mark Terrell, CEO

Tips on Keeping Sibling Rivalries in Check

Any of us with siblings can recall at least one event of sibling rivalry gone awry. Nasty words are exchanged and perhaps even some pushing and shoving. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up with a brother or sister. Many people believe it to be a rite of passage and a good way for children to learn conflict resolution skills. However, it is important for parents to monitor conflicts between your children and to look for signs of bullying.

There has been little research on the effects of sibling bullying; however, a new study published in the Journal of Pediatrics concluded that sibling aggression should not be dismissed. The psychological anguish from sibling bullying can be just as damaging as peer bullying. The study reported that children who experienced sibling aggression in the last year were more likely to report signs of depression, anxiety, and anger. In the study, aggression was defined as physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, or having their things stolen or purposely destroyed. The study goes on to suggest that anti-bullying awareness campaigns should include sibling bullying as well.

As a parent, how can you distinguish between common inter-sibling spats and bullying? Ask yourself if the aggression is one-sided and chronic. If the aggression goes both ways and occurs sporadically then bulling may not be the issue. However, if one child consistently plays the role of aggressor and instigator then it is important to have a family talk about the issue.

Helping your children get along and develop a relationship is important to every parent. Try these tips to help keep sibling rivalries in check:

Clearly defined rules and consequences: Children and teenagers will continually test boundaries as part of normal development.  Make sure they know what behaviors cross the line and firmly follow through with implementing consequences when the line is crossed. 

Give them space: Allow your children time to be alone or away from their siblings. This is especially important if your children share the same bedroom. Find activities that they can do alone or enroll them in different extracurricular activities.

One-on-one attention: Make an effort to give all your children some one-on-one attention with you. This can help reduce feelings of jealously or favoritism that can lead to sibling bickering.

Counseling: You may consider getting professional help if your children have extreme difficulty getting along. Marriage and family therapist are trained in resolving and mediating family conflicts and relationships.

By Miguel Brown

Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter. 

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

• Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

•  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

•  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

• Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

• Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

• Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

• Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)

Parenting: Don't Give Up on Discipline

Children learn very early if a parent is serious about following through with discipline. If your five-year-old learns they can get you to give up on discipline by throwing a temper tantrum, there's a good chance that is probably not going to stop when they're 16. But we know discipline is hard, and sometimes it may seem easier just to give in. In a recent blog on discipline, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell described it by saying, "Parenting and disciplining is not for the faint-hearted, and must be done with the same vigor with which you approach your career. Early efforts will pay off in the future, but a lack of discipline will cost you in the end."

So how do you stay strong and discipline your child in a healthy, loving (but firm) way? Although there's no magic formula to being a perfect disciplinarian, here are a few methods that may help you along the way:

• Follow through on discipline, even when it hurts your fun.

• Both parents must be on the same page or the child will divide and conquer you.

• Never make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on.

• Don’t make every battle a world war.  Make it your goal to win the war, not just the battle.

• Expect first time obedience

• Never argue about a child’s discipline in front of the child.  Excuse yourself to a private place and come out united. 

• Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. If you lose your temper and say or do things that you shouldn't, apologize to your child and explain why what you did was wrong. 

Mistakes will happen. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child. But the most important thing is to never stop working to improve, and to show your child that you will never give up.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Crosswinds and Caribbean Mountain Academy: What's the Difference?

What is Crosswinds? 

Crosswinds is a non-profit organization that began in 2011. All of Crosswinds’ services have a common goal: restoring families struggling with tough issues, facilitating long-term healing and growth. Our specialty is working with families who are dealing with issues relating to a troubled or difficult teen. None of our services offer a “quick fix,” but rather address the root of the problems a teen or family is facing, and then work to develop a long-term solution. We recognize that no two families are alike and so we offer a variety of services that can be “mixed and matched” to meet each family’s specific needs. Our programming can be broken down into two general areas: residential teen counseling and in-home family counseling.

What is Caribbean Mountain Academy? 

The residential teen therapy part of our program is where Caribbean Mountain Academy comes in. Located in the beautiful Dominican Republic, Caribbean Mountain Academy provides a safe and loving environment for teens to work through the struggles they have been facing.   It is offered as an option to families if the issues that they are facing with their troubled teen are spiraling out of control and a temporary change of environment for the teen is needed. Our program at Caribbean Mountain Academy seeks to address the root of the teen’s problems, rather than just addressing the behavioral symptoms. To ensure this holistic change, we require that the family of each teen enrolled at Caribbean Mountain Academy undergo regular in-home therapy and coaching during their teen’s stay. Meanwhile, the teen at Caribbean Mountain Academy will take part in intensive counseling, service projects for the local community, excursions to waterfalls, beaches, and mountains, all while receiving 24-hour care from our loving staff.

Does Crosswinds do anything else? 

Yes! Although our specialty is working with families raising troubled teens, Crosswinds also provides In-Home Family Counseling for families struggling with any number of issues. With the majority of family issues, especially those involving a troubled teen, we have found that treatment and healing are most effective when the whole family is involved. Our In-Home Family Counseling program provides personalized therapy in the privacy of your own home. This allows our staff to get a clearer picture of your family dynamics, improving your results and facilitating our effectiveness.  During the program, rather than focusing on just a family member who is in crisis, we focus on the entire family—parents, siblings, grandparents, or others within their circle of care. Our approach allows the whole family to acquire ownership in the progress and achievement of their goals. To ensure that your family has resources available at any time of need, we also offer 24-hour crisis intervention to any family enrolled in our In-Home Family Counseling program. Keeping families together is a high priority at Crosswinds, so we often recommend In-Home Family Counseling as the first step to overcoming family struggles.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy