Help! My Teenager is a Bully

Bullying has garnered a lot of national attention in recent years. The consequences of bullying can be traumatizing. It can have negative effect on a teenager’s mental health including depression, anxiety, and in worst cases, suicide. While many parents worry that their teenager is getting bullied, there are many parents out there who worry about the exact opposite; their son or daughter may be bullying others.

Knowing that your child has inflicted undue harm on another person can be an incredible emotional
experience. You may question your parenting skills and/or feel tremendous guilt. Many parents may fall into the denial trap and fail to address the issue. How can you identify that your teen is engaging in bullying behavior and what can you do to correct this?

What is bullying?

Remember that bullying is not limited to physical violence. Verbal abuses such as name calling or teasing fall under the realm of bullying as well. Social abuses such as starting false rumors or purposeful social exclusion is also a form of bullying. In fact, StopBullying.gov defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attaching someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.”

Common characteristics of teens who bully

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Are prone to physical confrontations
• Are overly concerned about their social standing (popularity)
• Have trouble following rules
• Have aggressive friends
• Lack empathy
• Vandalize property
• Drink alcohol, do drugs, or smoke

What can I do to stop my teen from bullying others?

The nature of bullying can make it very difficult to address your children’s bullying. In many cases, the teenagers are aggressive and hot headed so approaching the topic can be challenging. Despite the challenge, it is important to have several conversations with your teen about the issue.

Try these 5 tips:

1. Clear rules with clear consequences: Explain to your teenager the potential effects of bullying and why it will not be tolerated. Define what actions will receive punishment and what those punishments will be. 
2. Be a role model: Teenagers learn from the actions of adults. Treat others with respect and courtesy. Be conscience about how you speak to others around your teenager. It starts at home.
3. Get the school involved: Talk to your teenager’s teacher or principle about your goal to correct your teenager’s bullying. Have them contact you for even minor infractions and hold your teenager accountable. 
4. Be involved in your child’s social life: What are your teen’s friends like? What kind of pressure is your teen under at school? Does peer pressure play a role? Monitor their social media accounts for signs of cyber bullying. 
5. Get help: Parents can sometimes feel powerless to help their teens. Nothing seems to work and your teenager isn’t responding. Talk to your teenager about seeing an adolescent counselor. If they won’t go, consider speaking to a counselor yourself. Counselors can help you develop effective parenting techniques. 

By Miguel Brown
Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

How Much Do You Love Them?

The more I work with families, the more I am surprised by what I learn. I often hear moms or dads tell me how much they love their children, and that they would be willing to do anything to help them. Unfortunately, sometimes what I observe is completely the opposite of true sacrificial love.  I will give you some examples and let you be the judge.

•  A child is struggling with a pornography  addiction, but a parent refuses to have their child speak to their youth pastor because they are embarrassed that this has been going on in their home.

•  A teenage boy has no job, but always seems to have cash available to go to the movies and buy the latest electronic gadget. His parents never ask how or where he is getting his funds, because they are struggling financially and know they could never afford to give him the things he wants.

•  A child is questioning his/her faith because of what they are hearing from peers or teachers, but the parents don’t make time to go to church or youth group because their weekends are reserved for the lake.

• A young man is an incredible football player and is caught selling drugs for the second time. The parents fail to enforce the rules laid out the first time he was caught, because they are afraid it will cost him his scholarship.

Each of these examples comes from a real discussion I had with the parents of a child who is struggling. The common denominator in each of these situations is that the parents must choose between what is best for their child or what is convenient.

How much do you love your family?  Enough to do whatever is necessary?

By Mark Terrell, CEO

Parenting a Teen in the Age of Social Media

If you're the parent of a teen, the words "social media" might give you a pit in your stomach as your mind immediately jumps to all of the horrible stories you have read about the dangers of this exponentially growing industry that your kids understand so much more than you do. But social media, like any new technology, is not inherently bad. In fact, it is arguably an important skill for your child to learn as it will no doubt become relevant in their future lives. Social media has become an industry, not to mention a critical part of most business strategies, so consider that chances are good that being social media savvy could very well benefit your child's career.

But on the flip side, if not used responsibly, it could greatly damage their career, relationships, and even safety. So what can parents do to teach teens how to use a powerful tool they may not understand themselves? A few suggestions:


Be aware: Know exactly what social media sites your teen uses, and make it your business to at least learn the basics of those same sites. Create a profile on each of the sites and, even if you never post anything yourself, use it to keep tabs on what they are posting. Let your teen know you will be keeping tabs on what they post and require them to accept you as a friend or follower. This establishes that principle that they shouldn't be posting anything they would not want you seeing.

Determine specific age privileges: There are certain ages where teens simply don't yet have the maturity to be solely responsible for the power social media provides. Talk with your spouse and agree on levels of privileges for each age. For example, your child can create a social media account when they are 13 but must give you the login and password. When they turn 14, you will not log in anymore, but will still check their profile, etc. 

Reward responsibility: If your teen proves themselves to be responsible with a Facebook account for a set amount of time, allow them to also get a Twitter. Conversely, if they post inappropriate pictures, words, etc. on one social media account, let them know ahead of time that this will result in a waiting period before they can create more accounts. 

Understand the identity issues: Parents often don't understand how much a teen's identity can become wrapped up in the number of friends, followers, likes, and comments a teen has on a specific social media account. In their minds, popularity is now quantifiable and public, and can take an enormous toll on self-esteem if the numbers aren't high enough. Don't shrug it off if your teen gets upset about the low number of likes they got on a picture. Use it as an opportunity to talk with them about identity. Sympathize with their struggle, but also explain the lack of real value in these numbers that seem so important in the moment.

Tell them the horror stories: If you read a story about an old inappropriate picture costing a prospective employee job, or  a man being arrested for uploading a video where he pretending to drink and drive , casually mention it to your teen. It doesn't need to be a long lecture about the evils of social media, but letting your teen know about real consequences for things posted will stick with them. Then maybe they'll think twice before posting that status about drinking or drugs that to them was a joke, but could have very real consequences.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Reacting to Your Teen & Therapeutic Crisis Intervention

If you are the parent of a teen, chances are pretty good that you will be gifted with the opportunity to confront disrespect or anger from your child. The natural response is to react with anger, frustration, yelling, or hurtful words. This is our tendency as human beings, and can feel like an effective defense mechanism.

But however "good" it may feel in the moment, reacting out of emotion will not only escalate the situation, but will also cause you to miss a crucial moment to teach your teen. When your teen is experiencing intense emotions, they may be physically unable to think clearly; this means that any lessons you attempt to teach them in the moment will be lost.  Your goal in an explosive situation of disrespect should be to de-escalate the emotion, giving you the opportunity to have a rational conversation with your teen. But that's easier said than done, right?

This is where a method called Therapeutic Crisis Intervention comes in. Therapeutic Crisis Intervention was developed by Cornell University, and focuses on de-escalating an explosive emotional situation. Many of our staff at Caribbean Mountain Academy have received formal training on Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. As a parent, try using the following first step of this method to control your own reaction. Before reacting, ask yourself these four questions:

1. What am I feeling?
2. What does my child feel, need, or want?
3. How is the environment affecting my child?
4. How do I best respond? 

Giving yourself even two minutes to consider these questions will allow you to respond in love, rather than in anger. After that, you can use an appropriate response from the Therapeutic Crisis Intervention method, such as gently helping them through a frustrating task, giving them space, or redirecting their attention to something else. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Five Tips for Talking with Your Teen

Does it ever seem like you and your teen are talking different languages or not talking at all? You may find these tips helpful in bridging the communication gap.

1. Chat with your child. If communicating has been lacking in your relationship, chatting with your child is a good way to start again.  Making small talk, without being critical, creates a non-threatening environment for kids to express themselves.

2. Remember that a teen’s behavior is sometimes their language.  However, it’s best to ask, rather than assume, what they are trying to say non-verbally.

3. Eating is a social activity that can create a positive environment and time to talk your child about their day.  Establish this habit early in your family.

4. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child and make it a special time alone with each parent.  Since each child-parent relationship is unique, it a great opportunity to grow relationships.

5. Be sure to engage in equal sharing time versus probing into your teen’s thoughts and feelings.  Sharing builds intimacy and trust.  

      What methods have worked for you in communicating with your teen? 

      By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services

Tips on Keeping Sibling Rivalries in Check

Any of us with siblings can recall at least one event of sibling rivalry gone awry. Nasty words are exchanged and perhaps even some pushing and shoving. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up with a brother or sister. Many people believe it to be a rite of passage and a good way for children to learn conflict resolution skills. However, it is important for parents to monitor conflicts between your children and to look for signs of bullying.

There has been little research on the effects of sibling bullying; however, a new study published in the Journal of Pediatrics concluded that sibling aggression should not be dismissed. The psychological anguish from sibling bullying can be just as damaging as peer bullying. The study reported that children who experienced sibling aggression in the last year were more likely to report signs of depression, anxiety, and anger. In the study, aggression was defined as physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, or having their things stolen or purposely destroyed. The study goes on to suggest that anti-bullying awareness campaigns should include sibling bullying as well.

As a parent, how can you distinguish between common inter-sibling spats and bullying? Ask yourself if the aggression is one-sided and chronic. If the aggression goes both ways and occurs sporadically then bulling may not be the issue. However, if one child consistently plays the role of aggressor and instigator then it is important to have a family talk about the issue.

Helping your children get along and develop a relationship is important to every parent. Try these tips to help keep sibling rivalries in check:

Clearly defined rules and consequences: Children and teenagers will continually test boundaries as part of normal development.  Make sure they know what behaviors cross the line and firmly follow through with implementing consequences when the line is crossed. 

Give them space: Allow your children time to be alone or away from their siblings. This is especially important if your children share the same bedroom. Find activities that they can do alone or enroll them in different extracurricular activities.

One-on-one attention: Make an effort to give all your children some one-on-one attention with you. This can help reduce feelings of jealously or favoritism that can lead to sibling bickering.

Counseling: You may consider getting professional help if your children have extreme difficulty getting along. Marriage and family therapist are trained in resolving and mediating family conflicts and relationships.

By Miguel Brown

Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter. 

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

• Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

•  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

•  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

• Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

• Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

• Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

• Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)