How Can I Help My Child When They are Struggling in School?

My child is struggling in school and he doesn’t seem to care! 

I believe this is a common issue that many parents will face and many parents do not know how to help.  My experiences as an educator for 10+ years, being married to an educator for 12 years, and being a father of three have helped me understand some reasons for school failures. 

Many students have legitimate reasons for struggling in school. Some reasons are attention problems, learning disabilities, emotional issues, social problems, and embarrassment. Many of these should be handled by professionals within the school (attention deficits and learning disabilities), but others can be addressed through communication and strategic relationships.

Because of normal adolescent behaviors, students are often interested in things other than schoolwork.  As teenager’s social life increases and choices of positive friends decreases, the academic achievements can often suffer.  This is not because your child is getting dumber, but because they are getting less interested in school.  Often times parents are clueless to this decrease in academics because they don’t ask the right questions or seek out additional information from the school.  As a parent, it is our responsibility to ask the right questions to our children and to the school.

Many times, students start to care more about friends than they do about homework, causing them to fall behind in class.  Once a student falls behind they often are too embarrassed to ask for help and therefore fall further behind.  To save the embarrassment of feeling dumb, they sometimes put up the front that “school is stupid” or “I don’t need school”.  This is not because students really believe this; it is because this is easier than facing the battle of getting caught up in class.

What to do?

Here are a few of the techniques I have found to be successful.

• Find an older peer that is positively engaged in school to mentor your son or daughter.  Peer influence is very powerful, take advantage of that.

• Find a teacher that will invest in your child in school and out of school.  Once kids realize that teachers care, their performance will improve.

• Find a teacher you can talk to.  Teachers spend time with your kids and often have insights that you won’t about what is really going on in your child’s life.

• Be bold in stressing to your child how important school is.  An education opens up opportunities for a lifetime.

• Be bold in asking questions of the school.  Your child is worth fighting for!

Proverbs 4:13: Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life. 

By Kevin Hedrick, Vice President of Residential Services

How Do I React If My Child Has No Friends?

Parents who see their kids friendless often feel saddened by the loneliness they feel their child is experiencing. While this is sometimes the experience with kids who struggle socially, it is not universal with friendless children. There are kids who simply see the world from an isolated perspective, and though they say they don’t need friends they may want them. Real friends are vital we all need them and we are designed for a connection with others. Some children struggle to make friends because of their poor social skills others because of developmental delays in either processing or emotional regulation. So what can a parent do to encourage their child who doesn’t seem to make friends?

One of the most important jobs of parents is to support their children. This doesn’t mean coddle them or do things for them, what it does mean is provide a means to help them in the learning process. This may mean physically, as in transporting them from place to place. It may be emotionally, in helping them process interactions with others, or it may be simply to support them spiritually through an active prayer life for your child. When a child’s social skills are not up to the maturity level of their chronological age you can encourage your child by working with them in some simple ways. Help them read facial expression and verbal tones--this is an often assumed skill that children don’t always have. Games are a good way to help your child learn these skills, such as guessing games to help them learn what different facial expressions mean. Next, help your child identify how their actions might affect others. This is helping them with the skill of empathy this is the ability to change your perspective to how another person is feeling. Also help them understand the importance of impulse control. This can be productive when a situation is reviewed in advance to help the child think through the importance of controlling their desires. In social situations this will help the child interact in more positive and controlled ways with their peers.

It will take time and patience to help your child work through something like this. Encouraging your child in activities and opportunities in which they can make connections that lead to friendships is important. Helping them feel comfortable at church can also be a powerful tool in helping your child’s social growth. Church can be a positive and natural way for a child to interact with his/her peers and find the types of relationships that Proverb 18:24 talks about. Part of the verse reads“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” As parents, we are called to pray and lift up our children to The Lord, asking that He may be their most powerful and important friend and allowing all other relationships be a reflection of this vital union.

By Grant Anderson, M.A.

How Do I Know if My Child or Family Needs Counseling?

The decision to seek counseling can be a confusing  and difficult one.  Maybe it’s our preconceived ideas about what “counseling” is.  Or maybe we’re afraid of what getting help may say about us or our parenting abilities.  Let’s clear the air on that, shall we?

What kind of families receive counseling?  Rich families.  Poor families.  Middle-income families.  Christian families. Jewish families.  Atheistic families.  Families with straight-A kids in basketball.  Families with kids who struggle to make C’s.  Families with two parents.  Families with one parent.  Families with stay-at-home moms.  Families in California.  Families in Virginia.  Families in Indiana.  Families in your neighborhood.

Whether people talk about it or not, they’re getting help.  And it doesn’t mean they’re not “normal.”  In fact, when you consider that about 1 in 5 has sought counseling at some time or another, it seems really normal!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the question is how to know if your child or family needs counseling.  Here are a few things to think through:

1. How have the solutions you’ve tried been working?  Are things staying the same or getting worse?  It may be time to talk to a therapist who’s worked with families who have similar issues and find out what’s worked for them.
2. Have you had people suggest counseling for your family, like a trusted friend, pastor, or someone from your child’s school?  That may be confirmation of what you were already thinking or perhaps they’re seeing something you don’t or can’t.
3. Are drugs or alcohol playing a role in your family’s struggles?  These issues can take hold fast and hard in a person’s life—and they’re bigger than we are.  Let someone who has experience in this area help your family sort out where you’re at and what kind of help is available.
4. Is there any physical aggression or fears of physical aggression in your home or child’s life?  Are you concerned that someone in your home may hurt themselves?  This is bigger than you, too.  Ignoring it or thinking it will get better on its own can put you or your child in danger.  Please reach out for help today.

Some final thoughts … if you are still wrestling with the question of whether or not to seek counseling, the answer is probably, “yes.”  Something—the burden you’re carrying, the leading of the Holy Spirit, the needs of your child—has led you this far.  You owe it to yourself and to your family to at least make a phone call to learn what help and support are available. 

Why Care About My Teen's Love Language?

It is common knowledge that I am probably the worst Spanish student that the world has ever known.  I find it ironic that I now run an organization that is in a Spanish speaking country.  I’m sure that my Spanish speaking employees love listening to my broken Spanish and especially like my hand signals and gestures that I use to get my point across.  

Not unlike my visits to the Dominican Republic I often think that my family speaks a different language and in fact they do.  Not only do they speak a different language I get the very same blank stares that I receive as I speak to my Spanish speaking staff.

In the book “The 5 love languages” author Gary Chapman talks about the fact that each of us has a different love languages:  “physical touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, time and attention, and gift giving.  He describes the fact that each of us has one of these love languages and the importance of knowing our families love language and the importance of knowing our own love language.

How do you know which love language you have?  Simply put, it is the one that you find yourself giving to others.  

For example my wife loves to clean the garage for me (Acts of Service) and I love to tell my wife how beautiful she is (Words of encouragement).  She is telling me that she loves me by cleaning the garage when all I want is to tell her that I am a great provider, and I am telling her that I love her by paying her a compliment when all she wants me to do is clean the garage.  

Unfortunately, what results from this misunderstanding is that I simply walk through the garage not noticing or appreciating all of her hard work or she will simply rebuff my compliment by telling me she hasn’t washed her hair in two days.  We are each trying to tell the other one that we love them but we are doing it in a way that neither of us understands or appreciates.  This situation over time will result in bitterness and confusion which can and will an adverse affect on our marriage.

This same lack of understanding can take a toll on our children as well.   For instance if your daughter’s love language is physical touch and you and your spouse never fill that need she will find a way to fill that void in a way that is harmful to her. 

We should care to know each of our families love languages so that they will know that they are truly loved and cared for.  If not we risk seeing blanks stares from those we love the most.

Learn your own love language and help your teen discover theirs by taking the Love Language Profile. 


By Mark Terrell, CEO

Helping Your Teen Start the School Year Right

Back to school time when you have a struggling teen can bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Feelings of anxiety or worry (“What if Jon gets suspended again,” or “What do I do if Suzy keeps hanging out with that bad crowd this year?”), but it also is a time for hope and excitement. A new school year means a fresh start for both you and your teen. Don’t give up hope that this could be the year things start improving! Here are a few things you can try to start things off on the right foot:

1. Be intentional about your teen's schedule: There is a balance between making sure your teen is active and involved, but not over-committed. The most productive time for a teen is usually right after school, between 3 and 7 p.m. Encouraging your teen to be involved in activity or sport that meets during these hours will help keep them out of after-school trouble. But pressuring your teen to be too involved can lead to stress and resentment. A good place to start is requiring your teen to be involved with one extracurricular activity of their choosing. Help them decide on this activity as soon as possible, and then create a calendar so they can visualize how it will affect their schedule.

2. Keep a positive attitude about your child’s school and teachers: If your teen hears you frequently complaining about school policies or specific teachers, it will undermine their authority in his/her mind. Unless the school is doing something that blatantly goes against your values, keep negative or critical opinions to yourself.

3. Make your home a restful place to come back to: Pick your battles when your teen is at home. If home is a place of constant bickering, chances are your teen will invent ways to be gone as much as possible. Let go of some of the little things, like your daughter’s eyebrow ring or your son’s long, unruly hair. This is not to say you should let your teen do whatever or dress however they want, but sometimes it is worth keeping the peace by not fighting over issues that do not threaten your teen’s physical, emotional, or spiritual safety.

As the new school year begins, be willing to take an honest look back at what has been done right and wrong in the past. Chances are you and your teen both have mistakes to learn from, but it’s never too late for a fresh start.

Sometimes, the issues a teen is struggling with are serious enough to consider temporarily removing them from their environment to give them an opportunity to focus. If you feel that your consistent best efforts with your teen are ineffective, consider seeking professional help to bring hope and healing to your family.

Why are Girls Mean to Each Other by Debra Beck

As a new school year begins your teen daughter may come home with some stories of other girls being pretty mean. Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck talks about some tips to give your teen or preteen daughter who may be facing unhealthy friendships.

Are Girls Just Being Mean or is it a Sign of Bullying? 

Have you notice the difference between how girls treat each other as an opposed to how boys treat each other?  Girl’s insecurities prevent them from having really close relationships with most girls.  When I talk to teenage girl’s it seems to be the one topic that causes girl’s the most anxiety.  It comes up time and time again how they have to adjust their personality, walk on egg shells, not voice their feelings, so they don’t get shunned and have vicious rumors spread about them from other girl’s.

I remember teenage girl’s being snotty, but not vicious.

One question that came up in one of my girl’s circle was “ I have this sort-of friend, that is my friend one week and then the she is someone else’s best friend the next week. She really doesn’t treat me well, but if I tell her why I don’t want to be her friend, she will shun me and spread vicious rumors that aren’t true and ruin my reputation. How do I walk away from unhealthy relationships without those consequences?

Here are 5 ways to protect yourself from unhealthy friendships:

1. Be yourself, set good boundaries around the way your friends treat you. If you are hanging around with mean girls, ask yourself why?  It could be that your self-esteem needs some attention.
2. Start saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.  It automatically makes you feel better about who you are. 
3. Eliminating those girls, it leaves room for better friends to come in.  Don’t be afraid to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she is treating you. If her response is something to the effect of “what ever, get over it” ask yourself if you want a friend that doesn’t care about your feeling…Probably not!
4. The more you take care of yourself, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and start making better decisions for yourself, and you will start attracting friends that treat you better. 
5. And last but not least, make sure you’re not a mean girl.  If you are treating other girls poorly, ask yourself, “If I was in her shoes would I like being treated that way.”  If not, see how you can change your actions to be a better friend.

We are a sisterhood and girls need to start treating each other with kindness. Look at how you treat other girls. Are you shunning any girls? Are you spreading rumors about other girls? Are you just joining in when others talk badly about other people? That’s just as bad, by the way! Start looking at your behavior around how you treat others. If you treat others poorly, it’s going to be tough to bring in friends that treat you well.

For the next few weeks start looking at your current relationships, and make some healthy choices in the friend department.  Ask yourself a question regarding each friend. Is this a friendship that is making me feel good, and do I deserve more. Also ask yourself am I the type of friend that I would want to have?  Be really honest with yourself.  Be the friend you want as a friend.

Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author.  She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the “Empowered Teens and Parents” newsletter, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence.  Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem.  Her award-winning book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.

Five Myths About "The Sex Talk": Talking with Your Teen About Sex

“The sex talk” from parents usually gets a pretty negative wrap in mainstream media and television.  Scenes of the awkward mom or dad trying to approach the topic with their savvy teen are always good for a few cheap laughs. But whether or not this depiction is the norm, it almost certainly is not the way to create a healthy and Biblically based dialogue about sex with your child or teen.  Here are a few stereotypes/myths about “the talk” we’d like to challenge, in an effort to help you raise a teen with a healthy and Christ-centered view on sexuality.

Myth 1: At some point in your child’s life, you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about sex. Then you will have done your duty and the job is over.

The idea that at a certain age, it is your job as a parent to sit down and have a long talk about “the birds and the bees” with your child is just plain silly. There is no way you can share everything your child needs to know to have a healthy view on sexuality in an hour, nor would it be beneficial do so once and check it off your list. Instead, establish an ongoing dialogue about sex, even if it seems awkward at first. Whether it’s animals mating on the Discovery Channel, a vulgar movie scene they saw at a friend’s house, or a pregnant teen in your community, take these chances to ask your child what they already know about sex, what their views are, and then share your own views. 

Myth 2: When talking about sex, use vague and general terms so as not to “corrupt” your child.

Have you seen the 2013 KIA Superbowl commercial? It’s cute, clever, and accomplishes its goal of promoting KIA cars, but it also depicts the common myth that parents should be vague or even lie to their kids about the details of sex. In the end, this will cause more confusion than good. Be explicit and use real anatomical terms. Obviously the level of detail should vary with your child’s age, but telling your child they should avoid “inappropriate behavior” isn’t going to help your teen when they are faced with a real sexual situation and have to make a decision.  

Myth 3: Talk about abstinence as the only available method of birth control, mentioning others will just give them ideas.

Chances are pretty good by the time your child reaches their teen years, they will have heard of condoms, the pill, and more, and may even have friends using them. This is a tricky topic to approach, and absolutely should not be presented as an acceptable alternative to abstinence.  However, having an informed and honest conversation with your teen about methods that others are using shows them:

1. That you are aware that this has become the cultural norm and you are asking them to be different
2. Allows you to dispel false assumptions they may have heard from others. For example: “John told you there’s no way he can get his girlfriend pregnant because he used a condom? Did you know according to the CDC condoms have an average failure rate of 18%?”

Myth 4:  Focus mostly on the negatives of having sex outside of marriage—you want your teen to associate sex with sin.

Many Christian parents make the mistake of hammering home the negative aspects of sex outside of marriage so hard that their children mistakenly associate all sex with sin. Don’t forget to remind them that God designed sex, but there are good reasons He designed it for marriage only. Have your teen read through Song of Songs and then ask you any questions they might have.

Myth 5: If your child is already well into their teen years, it’s too late to talk to them about sex, they’ve already heard it all!

Whether your child is 10 or 18 years old, it is never too late to begin a healthy dialogue about sex! Even if your teen has already made mistakes, remind them that our God is a God who loves grace, second chances, and fresh starts.