Getting Through the Holidays with a Troubled Teen

If you’re the parent of a troubled teen, the holidays can be some of the most difficult times for your family. Your teen will have a lot of extra free time, which may lead to more trouble, fighting, and pain for your whole family. But there are steps you can take to help your relationship not reach a point of crisis. Here are five suggestions we’ve gathered to help you survive (and hopefully even enjoy!) the holidays with your teen.

1. Create a structure or schedule for your teen’s time off. Having at least one planned activity per day—whether it’s family Christmas tree decorating or some chores around the house—will help fill some of that extra free time that could be spent getting into trouble. If things are too tense with your teen in the house, strongly encourage them to get a holiday job that will fill a few hours of their week. 
2. Be realistic in your expectations about your teen and about yourself. If your teen has been acting out all year, chances are good that things will not suddenly improve over the holidays. Expect that your teen will likely have a bad attitude and cause tension in your family, but don’t let this ruin your enjoyment of the season. Find time to enjoy traditions and time with other family members without focusing on the problems with your teen.  This will help renew your strength to help your teen, and will also show them that you will not allow their behavior to completely steal your joy.
3. Give your teen options. Ask them what their 2-3 favorite holiday traditions are and require that they participate in those. Then allow them to choose whether or not they participate in the others. This will make them feel listened to and respected, and will also help teach the value of compromise. 
4. Be extra vigilant about where your teen is going and how they are getting home. Teen drinking and drinking & driving spikes during the holidays due to more parties, free time, and the possibility of parents having extra alcohol in the house. Decide on a curfew for breaks beforehand and stick to it. Ask other parents to be diligent in ensuring that houses or alcohol are not being used by your teen and their friends for illegal parties. 
5. Set a goal to make a plan for your teen’s treatment by the end of the year. Use the extra time with your teen over the holidays to evaluate if their behavior is worsening or improving.  Then make an informed decision on an appropriate treatment plan for the coming year or, if your teen is already undergoing treatment, any changes to your teen’s therapy. The New Year is a perfect time for a fresh start.

Reading List: Our Top Five Favorite Books for Men Seeking to be Godly Fathers

Dads, have you ever wondered what it means to truly be a Godly father and/or husband? We know it can be an elusive pursuit, and one that is never truly finished! But here are five books that we’ve found helpful as many of our clients pursue this goal.

1. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge

Every man was once a boy.  And every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. Every little girl has dreams, too: of being rescued by her prince and swept up into a great adventure, knowing that she is the beauty. But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man?  Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored.

John Eldredge revises and updates his best-selling, renowned Christian classic, Wild at Heart, and in it invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God. And he invites women to discover the secret of a man’s soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer.  John Eldredge is the director of Ransomed Heart.

Recommended by Harold Graham, Lifeline Youth & Family Services Chaplain

2. The Making of a Man of God: The Lessons from the Life of David by Alan Redpath

David was a shepherd and a king, a soldier and a poet, a sinner and a saint. He was also a man after God's own heart. In this Christian classic, Alan Redpath blends insights from 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 Chronicles, and Psalms to demonstrate how God shapes those who are responsive to his love. Despite his many faults, David became a man who wondrously understood and reflected the mind of God. Both men and women will find themselves identifying with David's struggles and triumphs, giving them a glimpse of how God is continually shaping them as well.

Recommended by Kevin Hedrick, VP of Residential Services

3. Lead Your Family Like Jesus: Powerful Parenting Principles from the Creator of Families by Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges & Tricia Goyer

Does your family need a five-star general at the helm? A psychologist? A referee? Ken Blanchard, best-selling co-author of The One Minute Manager and Lead Like Jesus, points to a better role model: the Son of God. Joined by veteran parents and authors Phil Hodges and Tricia Goyer, renowned business mentor Blanchard shows how every family member benefits when parents take the reins as servant-leaders. Moms and dads will see themselves in a whole new light—as life-changers who get their example, strength, and joy from following Jesus at home. This user-friendly book’s practical principles and personal stories mark the path to a truly Christ-centered family, where integrity, love, grace, self-sacrifice, and forgiveness make all the difference.

Recommended by Focus on the Family

4. Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage by Robert Lewis

Rocking the Roles explains how marriage can be a perfect blend of structure and equality, balance and beauty. Transform your relationship by learning about common misunderstandings about marriage, core roles that don't limit choices what spouses most need to understand about each other, what submission and authority is and is not, sexuality.  Build a marriage on a firm foundation of Scripture, forgiveness, and a healthy understanding of who we are in Christ.

Recommended by Scott Taylor, Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy Director

5. Tender Warrior, Every Man's Purpose, Every Woman's Dream, Every Child's Hope - Stu Weber

Leader. Protector. Friend. Lover. God made you to be each of these…and much more. Stu Weber ’s bestseller, now revised throughout and refreshed with an attractive new look, paints a dramatic and compelling picture of balanced manhood according to God’s vision. Written in a warm, personal style, Weber presents the characteristics of tender warriors—including learning to speak the language of women, watching out for what lies ahead, and keeping commitments—in an upfront, straightforward style that challenges readers to realize God’s plan for men.

Recommended by Rick Deboest, Lifeline Youth & Family Services Director of Clinical Services

The Value of Family

A few years ago while on vacation with my family, I began a discussion with my wife and children about what it really meant to value family, in the way God intended. I asked them if they thought families that were struggling ever meant to be in that situation, or did it happen gradually without them realizing it ? I also asked if that thought that families that are close to each and to God got there by accident or was it through intentionality and hard work?

The conversation was quite lively and it was determined that we needed to be much more intentional about where our family was going if we were going to continue valuing each other and God.

We talked about the fact that each of us would face difficulties in the future and that we needed to begin to be there for each other. We talked about the fact that we would always make that a priority, even when others conveniently walked away. We talked about the value of talking with each other regularly, whether through calling, texting or emailing, to encourage and chastise one other if needed.

One of my favorite moments after that day was when one of my sons called me to let me know that he had read something that one of his siblings' had posted on Facebook that was not Christlike.  But he then told me that he had, in his words, “handled it”. I asked what it meant to handle it. He said that he called his brother to let him know he had read the Facebook post, and that he needed to erase the entry. He also said he would “kick his butt” if he saw something like that again. 

Some people might question the logic of this moment, but I saw it as a moment of our family coming together in a small way that would serve as a model for the future, when the issue might be much more severe. Issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, work ethic, honesty and personal faith are now the responsibility of each member of our family. Accountability alone will not ensure that your family will always value each other and God, but it is a great way to start. 

By Mark Terrell, CEO