Friday, June 28, 2013

Five Tips for Talking with Your Teen

Does it ever seem like you and your teen are talking different languages or not talking at all? You may find these tips helpful in bridging the communication gap.

1. Chat with your child. If communicating has been lacking in your relationship, chatting with your child is a good way to start again.  Making small talk, without being critical, creates a non-threatening environment for kids to express themselves.

2. Remember that a teen’s behavior is sometimes their language.  However, it’s best to ask, rather than assume, what they are trying to say non-verbally.

3. Eating is a social activity that can create a positive environment and time to talk your child about their day.  Establish this habit early in your family.

4. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child and make it a special time alone with each parent.  Since each child-parent relationship is unique, it a great opportunity to grow relationships.

5. Be sure to engage in equal sharing time versus probing into your teen’s thoughts and feelings.  Sharing builds intimacy and trust.  

      What methods have worked for you in communicating with your teen? 

      By Ruth Skeel, Director of Clinical Services

Friday, June 21, 2013

Tips on Keeping Sibling Rivalries in Check

Any of us with siblings can recall at least one event of sibling rivalry gone awry. Nasty words are exchanged and perhaps even some pushing and shoving. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up with a brother or sister. Many people believe it to be a rite of passage and a good way for children to learn conflict resolution skills. However, it is important for parents to monitor conflicts between your children and to look for signs of bullying.

There has been little research on the effects of sibling bullying; however, a new study published in the Journal of Pediatrics concluded that sibling aggression should not be dismissed. The psychological anguish from sibling bullying can be just as damaging as peer bullying. The study reported that children who experienced sibling aggression in the last year were more likely to report signs of depression, anxiety, and anger. In the study, aggression was defined as physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, or having their things stolen or purposely destroyed. The study goes on to suggest that anti-bullying awareness campaigns should include sibling bullying as well.

As a parent, how can you distinguish between common inter-sibling spats and bullying? Ask yourself if the aggression is one-sided and chronic. If the aggression goes both ways and occurs sporadically then bulling may not be the issue. However, if one child consistently plays the role of aggressor and instigator then it is important to have a family talk about the issue.

Helping your children get along and develop a relationship is important to every parent. Try these tips to help keep sibling rivalries in check:

Clearly defined rules and consequences: Children and teenagers will continually test boundaries as part of normal development.  Make sure they know what behaviors cross the line and firmly follow through with implementing consequences when the line is crossed. 

Give them space: Allow your children time to be alone or away from their siblings. This is especially important if your children share the same bedroom. Find activities that they can do alone or enroll them in different extracurricular activities.

One-on-one attention: Make an effort to give all your children some one-on-one attention with you. This can help reduce feelings of jealously or favoritism that can lead to sibling bickering.

Counseling: You may consider getting professional help if your children have extreme difficulty getting along. Marriage and family therapist are trained in resolving and mediating family conflicts and relationships.

By Miguel Brown

Miguel Brown holds a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Miami, is a registered marriage and family therapist intern in private practice, and owner of Miami Teen Counseling. He has been working with adolescents and their families for over ten years. Connect with him on Facebook and Twitter

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What Do I Do If My Child Rejects God?

As a Christian parent, a child's rejection of Christ and everything you have taught them is one of the most painful things you can endure. It will likely come with feelings of anger, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The pain of not knowing if they will ever come back to faith can easily cause despair, but thankfully our God is a God of hope and redemption. But in your role as a parent, He has given you an immense responsibility to continue to show His love and grace to your wayward child, just as He continually does with us in our sin. Here are a few ways you can continue to show your child love and acceptance, without agreeing with their decision:

  • Do not ignore the issue: Acknowledge that something is wrong and never communicate that their decision is “ok," BUT be very clear that it can never change your love for them

  •  Help them sort out their emotional doubts vs. their intellectual doubt: If their doubts about faith are intellectual, give them apologetics books to read and tell them you’ll read one that expresses their viewpoint. Then try to really understand what they believe and why. If their doubts are emotional, try to point out how emotions aren’t always correct and shower them with love and grace in the name of Christ. 

  •  Don’t expect them to be Christ-like: Treat your child as an unbeliever and don’t continue to hold them to the same standard as you would a believer.

  • Show them your sorrow more than your anger: After you've made it clear that you don't agree with their decision, don't keep arguing with them, but when the topic comes up express your sadness. 

  • Keep up a relationship: No matter how hurt or angry you are, continue to pursue your child. Always let them come home. Email them weekly. Take them to lunch. Our Heavenly Father never stops pursuing us, even at our lowest points. 

  • Admit mistakes: You should not blame yourself for their decision, but it is important that they know you are not claiming to be a perfect Christian. If there is hypocrisy in your own life, take responsibility for them and apologize for not always being a Christ-like example. Encourage them to look to Jesus, not imperfect Christians, for their perception of faith. 

  • Never stop praying: With God, there is no such thing as hopeless. Pray specifically for patience and grace with your child. Pray that God will soften their heart. 

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

More Resources: The Case For Christ (Lee Strobel), God's Remedy for Rejection (Derek Prince), Engaging Today's Prodigal (Carol Barnier), What's Happening to My Teen: Uncovering Sources of Rebellion (Mark Gregston), Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations (Alex and Brett Harris)

Friday, June 14, 2013

How Can I Be a Spiritual Leader to My Teen?

Who is the primary spiritual leader of your teen? Who do they look to as a role model? Youth pastors, mentors, and small group leaders are certainly important for a teen to look to for advice, but the Bible is very clear that spiritual leadership should fall primarily on the shoulders of the parent.

Easy, right? Not quite. The concept of "spiritual leadership" can feel like a hard one to grasp. How often should I pray with my family? What parts of the Bible should I encourage them to read? Should I require my kids to be involved in their youth group? What about mission trips? While these are good questions to consider and pray about, spiritual leadership can't be achieved through any standard formula. It's a lifestyle – a way of talking, thinking and behaving.  

Dave Long, our Vice President of Operations, said it this way, "Quite simply, leadership is modeling what you expect of others.  If you’re a father who values hard work, you’re willing to mow the yard, clean up after dinner, and maintain employment.  If you’re a mother who values communication, you’re willing to listen, engage in conversation, and share information in a mature manner. And if parents act to the contrary, expect contrary results from your children."

When it comes to teens, this is especially true. If you want to encourage your teen to commit time daily to devotions, make it a point to spend 20 minutes in the morning or evening, or whenever your teen is around, reading your Bible in the living room.  If you want them to stop watching inappropriate movies, don't let them see you watching something you shouldn't...even if it seems "harmless" for an adult.

We're all sinful people, so naturally leading by example is no easy task. But even if you don't see results right away, things your teen sees and hears you do consistently will strongly shape the way they view faith. It's a big responsibility, but definitely one worth working at.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Monday, June 10, 2013

Helping Your Teen Find Joy in Service

Serving others can come in many different shapes and sizes – it could be building a house for someone in a third world country, helping out at your local homeless shelter, listening to a friend in need, or hosting a "messy kickball" game for local children in the Dominican Republic.

You might be thinking..."Huh?? How is playing a game of kickball and sliding around in the mud considered service?" Well, here's the thing....we have found that service isn't necessarily about what you're doing, but how and why you're doing it. At Caribbean Mountain Academy, we want to teach teens how to find true joy in serving others.  We want them to discover that making others happy brings much more fulfillment than making yourself happy. 

And as our students laughed and played with these Dominican kids, they began to learn these lessons...and also learned that service can be fun! 

But you don't have to be in the Dominican Republic to help your teen learn how to find joy in service. Physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are all around us, wherever we are. Is there a local food pantry your family could spend time volunteering at? Or what about hosting your own game day for neighborhood children? The opportunities are endless. 

We know that for some parents, getting your teen to cooperate with a family service project may seem like a nearly impossible task. But here's something you can try: use the service project as a way for a teen to "earn back" privileges they may have lost. At Caribbean Mountain Academy, we have found that re-enforcing positive behavior often is much more effective than punishing negative. So if your teen was grounded for staying out to late, or lost their phone for disobeying, give them the opportunity to earn it back by participating (with a GOOD attitude) in a pre-determined service project. 

Not only will you be teaching that positive behavior earns privileges and trust, but you will also have begun to show your teen how to find joy in service.
See more pictures of the "messy kickball" game on our Facebook page

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Friday, June 7, 2013

Parenting: Don't Give Up on Discipline

Children learn very early if a parent is serious about following through with discipline. If your five-year-old learns they can get you to give up on discipline by throwing a temper tantrum, there's a good chance that is probably not going to stop when they're 16. But we know discipline is hard, and sometimes it may seem easier just to give in. In a recent blog on discipline, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell described it by saying, "Parenting and disciplining is not for the faint-hearted, and must be done with the same vigor with which you approach your career. Early efforts will pay off in the future, but a lack of discipline will cost you in the end."

So how do you stay strong and discipline your child in a healthy, loving (but firm) way? Although there's no magic formula to being a perfect disciplinarian, here are a few methods that may help you along the way:

  • Follow through on discipline, even when it hurts your fun.
  • Both parents must be on the same page or the child will divide and conquer you.
  • Never make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on.
  • Don’t make every battle a world war.  Make it your goal to win the war, not just the battle.
  • Expect first time obedience
  • Never argue about a child’s discipline in front of the child.  Excuse yourself to a private place and come out united. 
  • Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. If you lose your temper and say or do things that you shouldn't, apologize to your child and explain why what you did was wrong. 
Mistakes will happen. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child. But the most important thing is to never stop working to improve, and to show your child that you will never give up.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Teaching Your Teen Daughter Modesty

We bet that almost ALL parents of teen daughters can relate to this topic. Fighting the modesty battle is getting harder and harder, as the world keeps telling your daughter to show off more and more. But the battle is definitely worth it. Here's 5 quick tips we posted on our website last week that we hope will help you keep up the fight.

1. Set specific family modesty standards. . If all your daughter knows is that you want her to “dress modestly,” it’s easy for lines to be blurred or for her to feel like it will be impossible for her to live up to your modesty standards, and she may subsequently give up. Spend some time talking with your spouse about modesty standards you both agree on and then communicate them clearly to your daughter.

2. Tell your daughter she is beautiful.  Although stressing inward beauty over outward should be the priority, complimenting your daughter on a specific physical characteristic such as her eyes, hair, or even a specific (modest) outfit can really boost her self-esteem and self-image during an insecure time.

3. Model modesty in your own wardrobe. This may seem like a “well duh” point, but it could be harder than it sounds. As an adult woman, it can be easier to bend the modesty rules for ourselves .  But if your 13-year-old sees you walking out the door for date night—even if it’s with your husband— in a dress that breaks the modesty rules you’ve set for her, you lose credibility and may have a harder time winning the next modesty battle with her.

4. Know and explain your motives for modesty. What will you say when your daughter asks you why modesty matters? There are many different answers you can give, but here’s a few to consider. First and foremost, God calls us to modesty and purity. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 says, “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” Now obviously this isn’t God’s way of telling us that we need to stick to ponytails and silver jewelry, but it is pretty clear about the importance of modesty in our role as Christian women. Secondly, how a girl dresses will determine the kind of guys she attracts. Your daughter may think she wants ANY kind of attention, but does she really want it from the guy looking for as much as he can get, as fast as he can get it, from any girl at all? To those kind of guys, it doesn’t matter who a girl is, or even how beautiful she is, as long as he can use her for what he wants.

5. Pray for your daughter daily. If earthly parents want purity for their daughter, how much more does our Father in Heaven want it for ALL of his daughters? So give your daughter all the prayer cover you can—God’s in your corner when it comes to modesty!

Read the full article on crosswindsyouth.org

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Helping Teens Fight Peer Pressure

A few weeks ago Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell  shared some helpful tips on our website about how to fight peer pressure with your child. During your child's teenage years, the people they surround themselves with are going to be some of the most powerful influences on their life, and it's important to be prepared for the fact that they may not always be the best influences!

If you feel that your teen is slipping into some bad relationships, or bad behaviors, take a look at the advice Mark gives on how to help steer them back on the right track.

Build or rebuild your relationship with your child:

o   Have a technology free vacation with your spouse and children
o   Start a hobby that you can do together:  painting, hiking, exercising, etc.
o   Eat dinner together
o   Never accept one word answers
o   Go on a family mission trip
o   Create new memories

Find a way to introduce new friends to the equation:

o   Go to church together
o   Introduce them to the youth pastor
o   Encourage them to participate in a new sport
o   Start a bible study together with them and their friends

Find a way to remove them physically from the influence:

o   Move to a new community
o   Enroll them in a new school
o   Have them attend a church camp

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Monday, June 3, 2013

Caribbean Mountain Academy Teaches Teens to Value Others

Last week, Crosswinds CEO Mark Terrell blogged about how to teach your children the "preciousness of others." He begins with a personal story about visiting a concentration camp in Germany, and explains how he realized that an entire society had lost sight of the ability to value other human beings. Although this is an extreme example, it shows how careful we must all be to never forget the immense value of each and every human life. Even if we're not purposely hurting others, it's easy to become so wrapped up in our own schedules and problems that we forget to serve and care for others around us.

Mark and his son Hunter visit with Maria, a 
local Dominican woman, during a missions trip 
to Caribbean Mountain Academy
Mark goes on in his blog to explain that this concept of valuing others played a major role in the program development of Caribbean Mountain Academy. Mark writes that when his own children had the opportunity "to spend time serving, rather than being served, in a third world country [...] each one of them returned back with a new appreciation of what they have and the opportunities they have before them."

At Caribbean Mountain Academy, this concept gets put into action as students serve those in the local Dominican community around them. Through projects such as building houses, planning a VBS for local children, or renovating an old basketball court, students slowly begin to change their perspective and the way they think of others. They begin appreciate the satisfaction that comes from serving others—rather than serving themselves—and also the value of each person, no matter what country or culture they are from.

Mark writes that  "We wanted [Caribbean Mountain Academy] to be a place where young people would have the opportunity to learn to appreciate what they have, but more importantly have an opportunity to learn to appreciate the preciousness of others." And by the grace of God, this is exactly what it has become!

But even if your teen is not struggling with serious issues, teaching them the "preciousness of others" is still an important lesson. Taking time to serve others as a family—whether it's in another country or down the street—will help your children learn to look outside of their own world and value the preciousness of each human life.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy